Wenona Gardner – White Turtle Rainbow

My Polaris

You are

my North Star.

My Polaris.

My way home.

You are the one

who brightens my life.

You see me and my heart.

You watched my videos

and read my stories and

shared with me how you

thought I was so unhappy

living in Wisconsin.

For the first time someone saw

the real me.

I was sad in my old place

in Waukesha, WI.

I didn’t have the joy I was

seeking and you saw my heart.

You invited me to come to

Omaha, NE to live with you.

Which after much soul searching

I did and proceeded to sacrifice

all my belongings including a brand

new queen bed which to me was valuable then.

But I learned there are things much more

valuable than furniture as people carried

away my belongings.

Love is what is much more important.

True love. A love that sees you for

who you are and shares the truth with you.

So I came to Omaha, NE after you and I exchanged

our wedding vows on July 6, 2014.

I arrived and not sure what life has in store for me.

I was scared but I stepped off the Amtrak with

two suitcases left of my belongings to be with you.

Every moment we have shared I treasure.

Every arcade game we ever played.

The sweetness of your kisses.

The warmth of your hand on my breast.

Everytime you were inside me

I felt my heart heal and open up

like a blossoming flower.

I am a good honest woman and

I did my best to care for you and your needs.

You know the truth of what really happened.

It was because I did your taxes legally.

I helped you find your current job.

You are still my husband in my heart.

I love you and you are the one I need still.

I have been a fan of Julia Cameron since I first encountered her Artist’s Way book in a metaphysical store sipping green tea listening to wind chimes back in Milwaukee, WI 1996. Nineteen years later, I am still pouring over everything that Julia Cameron has written including my current book by her is Right to Write. For Eight years now, I have been a regular at the National Novel Writing Month NaNoWriMo and Camp NaNoWriMo. I have been paid to write the Unlimited Newsletter for St. Aemilian-Lakeside, Inc. and Lutheran Social Services of Wisconsin and Upper Michigan. So as a paid writer I still find it difficult to admit I don’t always see myself as a writer. When I facilitated Artist’s Way Circles for 15 years online, I was there to empower other artists to take themselves seriously. Now I have shifted the focus back on to myself as I work through Julia’s intimate portrait of a writer in Right to Write.

I first started working with Julia Cameron’s Right to Write a few years ago, but I put the book down midstream. Now all of a sudden I am back to making Right to Write as I found a fellow writer who was making videos about her Right to Write experiences in Australia. I myself happily started to see of all the social media I have it’s my WordPress blog that has the most followers. So why am I chasing video? Because I wanted to impress a guy that video could make a living. I was already making a living as a writer. I have been trying to put myself on the internet and that is all I ever wanted to do. But now I can also see I am a writer like what my husband would say like the writer Germaine who constantly is writing for her it’s poetry. Me a writer? I remember fondly my 7th grade English teacher declare to me that she expects to read my book someday as I created our first unit newsletter and penned a Romance Adventure with a friend inspired by the novel Treasure Island. Again in College my Senior Thesis also declared she expected to read my book someday.

What I love about Right to Write is hearing Julia Cameron write about her personal insights as a writer in a much more intimate way than I had ever encountered in her previous writings. She is amazing. I feel like she is a dear friend sharing with me her craft. I would still love to meet Julia Cameron. Right to Write as I go through her Invitations and Initiation Tools I am opening up. Lately, I have been without a computer at home squeezing in writing sessions at the local Salvation Army Computer lab or the Local library. My phone I have been forced to wean myself of as I easily burn through my 2.5G. So now I am immersing myself into day by day conversations, walks, and my books including my Right to Write exercises. My new found pleasure is doodling in addition to writing in my Art Journal. I always wanted to express myself this way but I was thwarted because of an abusive home growing up where there was no such thing as privacy. I am finally allowing myself to hear myself in my written words and in my doodles to myself. Right to Write finally is helping me give myself permission to be the writer everybody else expected of me and even though I have already been paid and I never saw myself clearly before trying to be a video Goddess.

Chi Miigwetch (Thank you very much in Ojibwe)

Wenona Gardner

This is my NaNoWriMo rough draft for “Webcam Love” for 2010.
WEBCAM LOVE
by
WENONA GARDNER
APPROX: 50,000 WORDS
“Thud!” was the sound that echoed around the building in the near empty UW-Madison library and Jasmine White Horse is the librarian there and the last in the building. She carelessly knocked off the enormous book off it’s swivel and it landed hard on the floor startling her. She glanced outside the windows and saw nothing but darkness, no moon, too much in the city to notice the stars in the sky that she used to see as a Native American from Ojibway tribe child on her Lac du Flambeau reservation as a child. Madison what a bustling capitol city in the state of Wisconsin. Jasmine was fair skinned like her biological father who left the family and the rez at an early age, not without leaving behind a trail of domestic violence in their home. Many people though could see Jasmine’s Ojibway heritage through her straight brown hair and her high cheek bones. Bright eyes shined from Jasmine’s face, she seemed to really enjoy life even though she had known some hard times. She looked for the good in life and in people. She had an infectious laugh that made people around her feel good being around her. She was voluptuous and tall. Her passions were Pow wows and beadwork.
“Are you okay Ma’am?” Tom the security guard startled her since she thought she was alone. “I’m okay I just inadvertently knocked off this book of it’s swivel,” said Jasmine. “Let me walk you out to your car.” Jasmine felt much safer with Tom escorting her to her car. It was just one of those nights. Jasmine thanked thanks Tom and entered her car with the dream catcher with blue sparkling beads hanging in her rear view mirror. Jasmine got in the car and began to drive home.
Jasmine is a 30 year old academic librarian come to live in Madison city from a childhood in Lac du Flambeau reservation. Jasmine was very proud of her Native American heritage, proud to carry her Lakota stepfather’s last name of White Horse. Not any other Ojibway people have the name White Horse whose lineage goes back to the South Dakota. Edgar White Horse was a kind and loving man in sharp contrast to her biological father. He was a deeply spiritual man who constantly prayed over her and shared her great pieces of wisdom. He often ran ceremony at home and she learned through his actions about deep reverence and spirituality, but it just wasn’t enough to replace the darkness that filled her soul of the extreme violence she was born into this world that was led by her biological father Scott Rabideaux. Scott was an alcoholic and domestically violent especially when drunk. She didn’t understand how one moment he could be loving and the next raging and throwing things. It was as if there were two different people inside of him. His violent rage made her afraid of men and Edgar White Horse saw a great need to help Jasmine heal from her father’s influence on her upbringing unfortunately Edgar crossed over during Jasmine’s teens. Scott made her afraid of men, and the brief 3 years time before he passed when she was 17 she had with Edgar gave her hope that maybe there were good men in this world. Many said her first ex Ralph Stevens who was also Ojibway was a mirror of her biological father. Ralph also drank heavily, cheated, and beaten up Jasmine’s beautiful face. Ralph punched her face so hard she had blood in her eye and when she looked in the mirror she saw the deformed face of a monster before. Her hope of finding true love was crashed in that moment. Jasmine hid from the world the damage he tore into her face. Jasmine then suffered a mental breakdown and was taken to a hospital to recover, but it was Jasmine’s spirit that was more heavily damaged of all. She received the diagnosis of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, but when discharged from the mental hospital never went for treatment with the domestic violence. She wanted to bury the alcoholism and violence that was in her past and was very hard for to face things. Jasmine was changed forever by the enormous negative experiences by her biological father and her first boyfriend. She had subsequent failed 6 relationships that did nothing but be abusive and take away her confidence in herself as a woman and her self esteem. She struggled with this reality. Jasmine wanted to just feel safe at home.
Jasmine pulled in her driveway and entered in her home which was decorated with Native American items lovingly selected. There was the Native American flute that Edgar had given to her when he lived with her mom. On her birthday she received a Native American drum. There were paintings on the wall of Native scenery. A piece of Native American pottery. She always filled her home with music usually dance music. She loves Native American music but often feels sad thinking about her father Scott and Ralph. The melodic sounds of her Native American sound sad to her draws out such bittersweetness in them sometimes too much so that it was unbearable to bare. Tomorrow she was going to talk to Lisa at the local Women’s Center and hopefully she can help Jasmine forge a path of emotional freedom and healing that she craves. Jasmine longs to have a healthy relationship with a boyfriend. She knows thanks to Edgar that there are good men out there, but she wasn’t sure how to build the bridge from where she was to them.
Jasmine changed her clothes and put on very dressy shirt. She began to put fuschia lipstick on her lips. She looked like she was going on a night on the town from the waist up. But from the waist down she was wearing sweat pants and her slippers which would look pretty funny if someone saw her entire outfit. She logged onto her computer and began checking her email. She eagerly got excited when she saw the email from YouTube that indicated Gideon Smith from England online name Thunder_struck uploaded a new video. She eagerly went to the site and she began to watch the video Archangel Reading. Gideon is this deeply spiritual loving kind of guy. He loves to use the angel decks with beautiful pictures. Gideon shares a bit of his life with eagerly awaiting viewers and then he begins to say a prayer as he shuffles the cards. “Praying to the divine and the angels to guide us and lead us to the answers you want us to know.” He stops and then he pulls the middle card and it’s the card of Art. He takes his hand and shows it up to the screen and Jasmine gasps at the pure beauty of the card with sacred symbols all across the cards. Gideon gently explains he had creativity on the top of his mind and how it was such a synchronicity that the art card would appear. Archangel Gabriel is the messenger of creative inspiration for artists and for all art- related projects he goes on to explain. He said how much he has a passion for creativity himself that he feels free and liberated from the wonderful expressions. He said he loves to write and how he has been writing a lot of fiction and poetry. That he loves to communicate to people his feelings in such an artistic way. Jasmine sighed, everything about Gideon she found so appealing to him. His deep spirituality and his creative expressions. She felt so much love coming from him when he does his videos that made her feel loved even though she never wrote to him before. Sure she has watched just about all his videos for over a year now, but she never couldn’t seem to bring herself to introduce herself to him. She was even too shy to even leave comments. Yet she was an avid watcher of his channel. Saddened her though that he was all the way in England. He had such a beautiful sound when he talked with his British accent. Things were very different in his world she imagined, she had never left the country. She didn’t know anything about passports or paying for things in pounds. Jasmine had her own channel on YouTube for about a year now and she was getting used to being a vlogger a person who reveals their life in video and then posts it on the Internet for all the world to see. All through a $28 webcam from Walmart. She thought she was in love with her webcam because it was so powerful to bring Gideon in her life and help her broadcast to the world. What a powerful worldly ticket to have it was wonderful.! Though it was only a 11 minute video Jasmine felt blessed to have seen his video. It made her entire night and she was overjoyed that he made a video. Jasmine lives for Gideons videos. “One of these days I am going to get enough courage to introduce herself to Gideon and to share her creative work and writings with him. She strongly believe through their creativity she could build a bridge between the two of them. She would love to at least be his friend, but she was so hoping for something more to develop.
Jasmine turned on her webcam and began with much enthusiasm of her vlog for YouTube. She smiled into the camera and imagined she was talking to Gideon directly. Secretly she hoped he was already watching her videos and she that thought made her smile nice and bright. She shared about the creative project in her life and how they helped her. She brought in samples of her Native American beadwork and showed them on the webcam. She talked about the beading techniques she used and how she loved the Hunting Moon Pow wow in Milwaukee at the Potawatomi Bingo and Casino. She was overjoyed at how such a beautiful pow wow that was going on during and how it was a free pow wow. She said they went all out and smiled fondly reflecting all the dances she was able to dance. The flashes of color from the rainbow colored dancers. The beauty and grace of the women scrubbing which was a women’s traditional dance technique. She was happy to be a part of this beautiful word. And that is when I tinge of pain hit her heart and she could feel a tear forming around her eye. While she did love the Native American culture and spirituality the reality of alcoholism and violence that occurred in her life made her want to run a million miles away from from anything native. She was also part English like Gideon, she wondered if Gideon could show her about her other part of her being.
These were the thoughts that were going through her mind as she began to mentally prepare herself to make her own video. To her knowledge Gideon didn’t know anything of her, she never left a comment, didn’t write an email to introduce herself. The chances that was aware of her YouTube channel out of all the channels that are out there are very slim next to none. Yet, everytime she made a video she pretended in her mind that Gideon was watching her video. Gideon had shiny black hair and gentle brown eyes. She enjoyed hearing is British accent and the simple from the heart way he had expressing himself on his channel. He wore ordinary clothes and leaned back against his wall in a relaxed fashion. He seemed like a sensitive kind of guy. He had a charm about his choice of words and the softness of his voice. This is the kind of guy Jasmine was hoping for in her life a man that contrasted sharply from the hostility of the kind of men that she had known in her life. Jasmine didn’t know why she found herself with violent or abusive men. A life coach once told her that her boyfriends were reflections of her biological father. She wondered because she saw Edgar as her father for those three years and she thought for sure that would have enough of the power to bring the hold her father had on her. She was honored to carry her stepfather’s name and she didn’t want to do anything with her father let alone carry his name. Yet, her father was found manifesting in other ways like through the boyfriends she selected. She wanted to break free from this wretched spell. She didn’t always trust her instincts and she had tried to heal in so many ways from counseling to native traditional healing ceremonies. She shook her head, this isn’t the mood that I am trying to create in my video. She wanted to be upbeat and positive, because she never knew when Gideon may see her video. Maybe she could muster the courage to reach out to this sweet soul. Maybe Gideon was the one to break the spell of destructive relationships that seemed to plague her.
Jasmine tried to shake off the ghosts of her past and focus in the moment. What today did she want to reveal about herself that she would want to share with Gideon today? She turned on her webcam. Clicked the record button. And counted down the numbers until the record button turns red and she was on.
“Hi I am Jasmine! I hope you are doing well tonight. I wanted to share some of my experience living on a reservation. I am from the Lac du Flambeau reservation in Wisconsin. I spent most of my childhood there. My most favorite memory of living on the reservation is spending time with my grandmother. She had a beautiful laugh and was very mild woman. Grandma Rabideaux loved to baked pies and bread. She would pick berries and can them to make jam. She had a whole shelf of romance books and when I was 11 I read one of those romance novels and was surprised to discover the graphic details of the book. Oh Grandma! And I remember when I was younger how she used to take this powder and she would throw it into the fire and it lit up with muti-colored hues and it seemed like magic. My grandfather past away when I was three due to diabetes, but I was privileged to know my Grandma Rabideaux. So often I wish I had spent more time with her, but I carry her memory and her songs in my heart. “
Jasmine then picked up a rattle and she began to shake the rattle as she could hear an invisible drum in the distance. Her voice rang loud and clear and she began to sing in vocables as she tried to recall the melody that her and her Grandma sang together before the fire. Passionate feelings erupted as the song built louder and louder in volume. A couple of tears began to trace down her face as she felt what was like a hand on her back it felt as if her Grandmother was there singing with her. In her minded flooded childhood memories of all the treasure moments of her life she could hold them as if they were here in the present. Her voice wavered with emotion as she sung the loneliness of her heart being without her Grandmother, the deeper loneliness being without her Step Father Edgar White Horse and without a mate. Her heart heavy she kept on singing as if her voice could call forth the spirits of her loved ones to her and the spirit of the one she was seeking. With a loud “Aho!” and the rapid rattling of her rattle she ended her song. She felt blessed for the spirit that moved through her and around her. She looked back directly in the camera and she said “Thank you for watching. Bye”
With that she hit the button and ended the session of her recording. She went back and played the recording it seemed like a clean recording with an interesting point where her vibrato rised in the song that the light brightened and dim on the camera. It gave an eerie spiritual quality to the recording, but she liked it and kept it in instead trying to record a new video. One time she was so dissatisfied with a recording she made six videos trying to get best quality. Even though the sixth video wasn’t perfect it was the best she had and she refused to redo that video again. Then she added it to Windows Movie Maker to add a Title Page and edit the ending a little. Every time she tries to turn off the video her face scrunches up and leaves an embarrassing impression at the end. So she sometimes goes in and clips that section off. After a year’s time running her YouTube Channel white_horse she has made 44 subscribers and 80 friends which is a decent start. None of her videos have gone viral like some YouTube channels, but she gets to express herself which is what matters to her the most. Gideon however seems much more successful than her with over 200 subscribers and he seems to have his channel growing. But why shouldn’t people want to find him exciting. He’s a naturally kind-hearted guy and easily likable. It’s not like he values fame or being a hit, it seems in his world his centered on reaching out to soul’s and helping them and he generally wants to help people rather than throw money at them. He makes a difference everyday through his writings and his sincere videos. She was just a librarian. A woman that helped others find information they need. Doesn’t feel like a glamorous job, but it’s one that she is good out.
However, when she is in front of her webcam she feels she comes alive. She is reaching out to the world and she can be herself and grow over time. She looked over her videos over the course of the year and she could see personality wise she was really blossoming in front of the camera. Her first video “Introducing Jasmine” was a very shaky video for her she was all nerves and she was not familiar with using a webcam. She struggled to even set up the webcam she got from Walmart. She went to Walmart to get a microphone for her computer so she could record songs when the webcams sitting next to it surprised her. She had two attractive men come to her aid and help her decipher the technical lingo of each of the webcams. Finally, she was able to make an informed decision thanks to the kindness of both strangers. She was very happy with her $28 purchase so inexpensive. She brought it hope and nervously set it up. Before she knew she had the webcam up and running, but she was hesitant about putting her videos on the Internet. She was fearful if Ralph would find her videos. But she knew that her need for self expression was so powerful that she refused to live under a rock. Still she remembered to set up a safety plan just in case thanks to her domestic violence counselor at the Women’s Center. With these fears lingering in her mind. She sat before her webcam and paused for a very long time. Her thoughts racing about all the things she could say about herself. Finally, she turned on the record button. Countdown 3-2-1 Red light came on. She breathed in and out. She looked at the camera. “Hello I am Jasmine. And I am a domestic violence survivor. My father was alcoholic and domestically violent and my first boyfriend was also domestically violent. These men have caused much violence and damage in my life. They have left me afraid of all men. I am terrorifed to talk to men even though I can stand before one and my mouth is moving. Deep down inside I am afraid to reveal my heart to a man. I ironically desire to be with a man more than anything, I dream of a beautiful relationship between us, but I can’t seem to connect with this special man yet. I don’t know what so damaged inside me that I keep picking abusive men in my life. Some say it’s because I was with an abusive father that I am trying to reconnect with abusive men like him, that they are in essence my father. But the man I think who is my real father..my step father Edgar White Horse was the most gentlest and sweetest father figure I have ever known. Unfortunately I had only been with him for three years before he suddenly and surprisingly passed away. But you would think that positive influence would be enough to break the spell casted by my biological father. I don’t know what more I need to do to break away from this past. I have gone to various counselors to address this topic, I have gone to psychiatrists to treat my post traumatic stress disorder, I even gone through sweat lodges, women’s talking circles, and healing ceremonies in the Native American traditions as an alternative source of healing. I still feel damaged. I feel frustrated that I am 30 and I can’t manage to have a positive healthy relationship with a man. I think that’s why I hide as a librarian. I think I have much more creative voice than my profession allows. I hope that I can find my voice hear. I am hoping that I can connect with people through this medium in particular with men because I feel safer on my computer than out in the real world. Maybe I will find love on the Internet and maybe this time I won’t be so afraid and maybe it will be a positive one. I am Jasmine and I am trying to find my voice.
Thank you.
Bye. “
Jasmine hit the record button turning off the red light. Jasmine was satisfied with what she said, it was how she really felt. Inside Jasmine was shaking the whole time as she spoke her truth. Jasmine than went into her video folder and she looked for the video titled “Introduction to Jasmine” and with a click of the button she deleted the video saying to herself this is really what I want to say, but I am afraid if Ralph found and watched this. With that she proceeded to the recycling bin and she emptied it. That was Jasmine’s first video.
Jasmine really has grown more confident over the time. Weighing out what she wants to say with what she wants to post on the Internet. It’s not always an easy balance. She is constantly questioning herself about how much to reveal herself and how that will impact the people she knows that she knows who watches her channel. She knows now for sure that Ralph has found and watched her channel. Last year, he sent her an email and was all cheery in the email not really saying anything substantial. She got mad when she read it like some nerve he has to contact her like this and act like they were best of friends when he really had no right to speak to her after he beaten her to a bloody pulp. Does he think she has forgotten that horrible night? She fired off a short and to the point email that in no certain terms does she want him to contact her anymore. But that didn’t solve one problem. He knows she is making videos and at anytime he can watch every word she says at any time. That notion just creeped her out. She felt very nervous from that point forward knowing he was one of her audience. She was always editing herself trying to find out what the best way to say things. Conscious of things not to say, sometimes there were many grey areas.
One time, she shared the situation with a telephone operator at a Women’s Center and the operator bluntly said why don’t you stop making YouTube videos. In complete shock Jasmine got mad that she should sacrifice the one outlet that she really treasured and hopefully will connect with her to Gideon. She wanted to stay connected with Gideon even if it was a risk. But Gideon was a risk worth taking. No. She was not sacrificing her YouTube channel even knowing Ralph was watching. But briefly the thought I hope Ralph doesn’t violently attack me for something I say on my YouTube channel. So, Jasmine stressed out about what she shared with the world more so than most people. But she didn’t want to lose her freedom to speak. She didn’t want to lose her chance with Gideon. She didn’t want to be silent and living in fear for the rest of her life. She was scared and hoped she was on the right path. “Oh Grandma Rabideaux I pray you can hear me and show me a way through this mess. Surely you and the ancestors have chosen for me a good mate for me that would be great to connect with. I am really glad you love me and are on my side on the other side and I hope things go well. Thank you for blessing me. Love, Jasmine.”
The video that she just uploaded to YouTube she titled “Song from my heart” and was now on the front page of her channel. She was happy for that and was eager to get back to watch Gideon’s thunder_struck channel. She even loved watching over the older videos. One of her favorites was his musings video where he just starts talking about anything on the top of the head. She felt like he was sitting across from her and talking with her. He had a candle lit in his room and it gave Gideon a soft glow around his face and it was comforting. “One day you and I will talk. That is what I hope for.” She knew Gideon was a professional writer working on screenplays and that someday he would make it big. Jasmine never thought she would fall for a British guy before but there she was caught up with this man. He would say that “We’re on different sides of the pond.” She wondered how he felt about Native Americans. She always wondered about that. She wondered a lot of things about him. She only had glimpses of him in 15 minute and under video clips. A little window into his soul that gave her snapshots about his personality. She had seen all of his videos and played many back again. She often would play one of the videos she had seen before in the background in a loop just so she could hear the melody of his voice in her home. Seems silly she laughed to herself, but it worked. Nothing seemed to comfort her the most other than his voice and she didn’t know what she was going to do.
Maybe she could leave him a comment? But what would she say? Which video would she respond too? She wracked her brain. She couldn’t believe about after a year of watching this man’s video she was actually going to take a step. She began to pick her favorite videos going through them over and over. She couldn’t pick the one that would work for her the best. There were so many to choose from. After listening to many videos she decided to pick the one that had made her cry. It was the one where Gideon was singing a song that he personally wrote himself and that moved her so deeply. But what kinds of things should she say that would get his attention? Get him to talk back to her? She put such pressure on her to pick the most beautiful video of them all and now she felt extremely pressured to come up with golden words to express herself and win his heart. That’s a lot of pressure she thought to herself.
“You’re a genius wordsmith and singer. You have warmed my heart and the entire world.” Jasmine first wrote out. And then she read the rests of the comments and found a comment that almost echoed her comment word for word. She sighed heavily. It’s hard to be original with comments. She paused a moment. Then she decided to try again. “Would love to sing a duet with you sometime.” Oh geez that sounds so hokey. She was getting frustrated with herself. Before she was just about to give up she decided to write. “Dear Gideon, An Ojibway maiden from Wisconsin, USA would love to sing from across the pond with you. Would love to become friends with you and share cultures. Warm regards, Jasmine White Horse” Jasmine thought it wasn’t the most poetic comment, but it got to the point. She wanted to get to know him more as friends indeed and see what might grow out of it. Before she would talk herself out of it she hit the send button. Her heart raced and pounded and she felt after a full year of watching him silently she finally reached out to him. She wondered now what would happen. What kind of response she might get from him.
She sat in her chair feeling giddy and she was very happy at this calculated risk she was took upon herself. She was no longer the wall flower she actually dared to make a first move. Her Jasmine! She was surprised at her ability to reach out. Sure it was only a comment, but she was overjoyed she finally took a step. She dared to make a connection.
That night Jasmine went to sleep in her warm comforter that was green and leafy all over with blue berries. The first time she saw it at the store she felt a longing for this quilt and she was very interested in purchasing this lovely set for her bedroom despite the price. Jasmine laid on her side and was curled up in her layers and she began to sink into a delicious dream. She saw vivid and bright flowers in a gorgeous garden and in the distance she saw movement. As she walked closer in this garden illuminated by the full moon she saw the glistening of two hummingbird wings. They looked together like they were doing a joyful and loving dance with each other and amongst the flowers. She had the desire to dance among them in this long gown barefoot she twirled under the moonlight. She felt she was alone with the hummingbirds when she suddenly turned and she was gazing into Gideon’s loving eyes. “Well hello my love.” Jasmine’s heart began to beat faster. She was speechless. She just stared at his face. He reached out to her and she suddenly stepped back. Gideon said “You can trust me I won’t hurt you.” But all that did was cause Jasmine to step back farther and farther backwards. She saw such beauty in Gideon’s stature, yet something inside her was very fearful to be touched by him. Some people go numb after being violently touched. Others who have been neglected doesn’t know what it’s like to be touched at all. Jasmine felt safe watching him on YouTube, but feeling him so close even in the dreamworld, still made her fearful. As Jasmine was dreaming she felt her inner turmoil, Gideon was someone that she wanted yet he was also a man and fearful of all men. Jasmine turned to run this blissful place, Gideon cried out to her “Wait. Give me a chance.” Jasmine turned back to him and she could only bring herself to gaze at him. Gideon said “At least that’s a start.” And he smiled brightly.
Jasmine then woke up to the blaring alarm. She wanted to stare at Gideon, but work called to her. Her cat midnight came up to her and she stroked behind his ears and she was able to smile. She hung some sage and cedar in her shower and began to shower under the pulsating water. Images of hummingbirds danced in her head. She had some hope in her heart. She decided to put on a Native American printed skirt with her boots, and she put on a turquoise top with turquoise jewelry. She went on YouTube and went to see if there was any response to her comment, but so far nothing. She decided to type in the word hummingbird and up popped up a list of array of hummingbird videos and instantly she fell in love with one particular hummingbird video based on the music that accompanied the visuals. Bright fuchsia flower and a hummingbird with iridescent greent wings. Then a nature Goddess with a pair of hummingbirds on a branch that looked like they were kissing. How sweet Jasmine thought to herself. They showed a tiny nest with tiny baby hummingbirds being cared for by their parents. Then there was an imaged of a Native American woman with a hummingbird touching her finger. “Is the one I love everywhere?” One part of the video said. Then she observed a watercolor painting of a hummingbird and a series of flowers. Jasmine loved the look of watercolors. She read every word of the poetry that scrolled across the video screen. She was mesmerized by the relaxing, renewing, reviving nature of the video. What a great way to start the day she thought.
Jasmine got into her Flame Red Rubicon Jeep and proceeded to drive to UW-Madison Library to start her day. She parked her car and looked up at the greyish sky. She thought maybe it will rain. She grabbed her black leather purse with fringe and began to walk into the library. She entered the American Indian Studies Library in Ingraham Hall Room 338 E at 1155 Observatory Dr. in Madison. This particular library houses Native American films and documentary videos, slide programs and collections, a Native music collection, Native periodicals, newspapers, and a large Native American book collection. She served part of her time here and served the rest of her time at the Women’s Studies Librarian’s Office. She felt strongly about women’s issues and about her Native American heritage and she thought this was a beautiful blend of the two. Jasmine was glad she could work in a field that used both her graduate education and her personal life experiences as an Ojibway woman. And to her it was a great way to give back to the students that came to her asking for her help in their projects. Their eagerness and desire to learn always captured her imagination and sparked the feelings she felt when she was a student discovering the world around her.
She walked over to her desk when Willow Lame Deer came up to her to greet her. She was very happy to see Willow. Jasmine enjoyed all the time that Willow and her spent together. Willow was much darker skin than Jasmine with black raven hair and deep dark eyes. Willow was very professional and yet there was a relaxed feeling around her. Willow was about Jasmine’s age, but someone Willow seemed to have an elder spirit inside her very deep and wise and yet she had a bubbly laughter that made her sound like a playful spirit. Willow had this interesting duality about her she carefully studied the traditions and yet had a light hearted way about her that made her seem eternally youthful. Together Willow and Jasmine served the UW-Madison students that entered their doors. Each looking at the stacks and worked the computers to retrieve the knowledge that was seeked. They are a great team together each unique experiences Jasmine with Ojibway and Willow with the Menominee. After having a very busy morning they brought their lunches out to eat before the next wave began.
Willow started with “Jasmine I have been worried about you. You haven’t dated a guy in over a year. What gives?”
Jasmine replies “I don’t know nothing feels right. I took time off of dating for a year so I can focus on me. But now that the year is over I just don’t know what to do next.”
Willow said “ I know you spend a lot of time online. It’s not like you are at the personal dating sites. You spend an awfully lot time on YouTube.”
Jasmine stated very plainly “That’s all that I can handle right now. I can’t risk just getting involved with anybody. YouTube gives me a voice to the world in a way that my job doesn’t give me. But I get to see people from around the world too.”
Willow said, “ It’s about Gideon isn’t. You haven’t even talked to him at all.”
Jasmine blurted “I finally left a comment. After all this time I finally said something to him.”
Willow said, “and ?”
Jasmine said, “ Well I just left it last night it takes time to read comments and there is the time zone.”
Willow said, “ Do you really think you have a chance with this guy…he’s all the way over in England. You have an ocean between you too? Why don’t you pick a nice local Native guy that would do you good.”
Jasmine said, “ Native American men have been the ones that have hurt me the deepest and the most. I love my people, but I need to feel safe and be happy. Enough about me tell me about your relationship With Mark Wheelock.”
Willow said, “ I never could be happier. Mark is the man of my dreams and he is a pretty good dancer too boot. He is sweet and a good father to his three children and yet he makes me feel like I am the center stage. And is this man a center of his native community. I am telling you Jas you need to find a native guy.”
“I just want to find a guy I can feel safe with, I am not so much concerned which race he is, I am just want a loving and gentle man. Sometimes I feel like I just can’t seem to find the right man in this country.” said Jasmine.
“Jasmine I can’t believe that you would turn on your own people for some English guy.” Willow said.
“Willow I am half English too you know. I know I was raised with Ojibway people and Edgar with his Lakota ways. That seems home to me. But there is this whole side of my I have yet to explore. I want to know all of me. I don’t want to be blind to half of me. Look at me Willow, I don’t even look Native American I am so fair. Yes, I have Native American experiences and lived on the reservation, but all my life I have always been reminded that I don’t look like you or the rest of the Native American people. I often felt not fully accept you.” Jasmine declared.
“Jasmine we are like sisters you and I have been in women’s talking circles and sweats together for like ever. You are a native sister through and through. I just think you are so invested in the native ways despite your appearance that a man who was just as invested in the native community would do you good.” Willow said.
“Willow I can’t just blindly pick a man just because he has Native American blood. Unfortunately in my experience the native men I encounter have serious issues, alcohol and domestic violence, I can’t go on like this.” Jasmine got upset and pushed away from the table and proceeded to walk out the door.
“Jas! Jas! I didn’t mean it like that. I just want what’s best for you.!” but it was too late Jasmine was out of the door and out into the parking lot where it was lightly sprinkling. She started to walk around for a bit. All her life she was told to be with a Native man but she ended with men like her father. Why couldn’t she find a native man like her step father Edgar? She felt like a complete and utter failure and she didn’t know what to do about that. She has done so much healing work and recovery work on herself she just didn’t know when she would get healthy enough to attract a healthy man. Maybe she was defective and she would never be with a healthy man of any race. When she was a little girl she remembered playing Old Maid and she dreaded that game. She did not want to be an old maid. It upset her so much as a little girl. But unless something changed or happened that looked like the path she was headed towards. She was tired of the garbage in her life. She couldn’t see what she was doing wrong. Was her picker broken or was she having self esteem issues? What could it possibly be? Then all of a sudden the lightning struck down near a tree beside her and set it on fire and Jasmine had to jump back out of the way of the falling limb.
Close call Jasmine thought to herself. That was the closest lightning strike that Jasmine had ever witnessed. She believed in signs like that and felt something big was about to happen. She pulled out her phone and called in the fire at the library. She decided to walk to her car. She fumbled for her keys and entered in her jeep. She watched as the fire engulfed the tree and she stared in awe of it’s power. She played with the dream catcher in the window and watched the emergency crew come and put out of the fire. She waited til the last crew left the scene. She got out of her car and walked near the charred and wet mass that now remained. She sighed heavily and then rentered the library.
Willow approached Jasmine, “Did you see what happened out there?” Jasmine said “Yeah I was right next to the tree when it was struck and I called it in. I took the time to cool down.” Willow looked sadly at Jasmine, “ I just want you to be happy Jasmine, whatever race Creator sends you to be with.” Jasmine said “I want to be happy too. I just don’t with who that happiness lie.” With that Jasmine and Willow refocused on their work and began to reconnect again.
The day flew by very quickly before she knew it Jasmine looked out the window and it was pitch black. Willow and Jasmine tied up their areas and they walked together from their place of work to their cars. Willow and Jasmine hugged goodbye. “Be well my friend” said Willow. “Take care.” said Jasmine. What a day Jasmine thought to herself. She was tired. She definitely didn’t feel like going on to record a clip of herself, but she was eager to go driving for awhile. She just randomly drove around the lakes and just to shift gears of her night she didn’t want to deal with anything heavy anymore. The conversation with Willow was just too much for her and she didn’t know how to deal with things. Life was very strange and she was having a hard time focusing on what matters to her and she was struggling with the details of the day.
The only Native American that she was close to her was her Facebook friend who is named Tom Johnson who was gay. That’s the safest she felt by a Native American guy. And neither the two of them have yet to meet. But they would have these amazing instant message conversations about Native American culture life and art. A lot of her conversations with men felt the safest when they were online come to think of it. She was afraid of men and she knew it yet she did want to connect with men so she reached out on the Internet. Perhaps that is why Gideon was so appealing. She got to feel in control over the situation. It was very hard for her to feel that way in the face to face encounter she never really connected that way before. She decided to drive home. She was too much in her head so she drove up to the driveway. And she exited the jeep and entered up the steps that lead to her back door. She entered the key into the lock and turned it and immediately turned on the light. She crossed the room and entered her living room where her computer rested.
She sat down and turned on her Dell computer and waited for her screen to turn on to the pubelo wallpaper on her computer. She began to check her mail and to her surprise she received an email from “YouTube Service” and it was a comment from Gideon. Where he said “Thank you for your beautiful comment from a lovely lady like yourself. I made sure to subscribe to your channel to get to know you better.” And sure enough she had a new subscription to her channel. Gee that was pretty simple she didn’t know why she hadn’t thought about it before. Now she was all nervous because she was thinking omg he’s going to be watching my channel now. And she felt very nervous. She decided she was going to make a video. Just then another comment came into her channel and it was Gideon. He saw her latest video of her singing and he said “Just lovely voice you have there. It was heavenly to listen to.” And she was floored. He was on right then. So she decided to write a comment back. “Thank you very much for your new subscription and taking the time to listen to my song.” She sent it. Then she went back to thinking about her new video.
Well she changed her clothes and put on some make up and she sat in her chair and then she went blank. Not just a little blank. Utterly and completely blank. She has never froze before making a video before. Before she was free to be herself, but then she was just expressing herself to anyone who would listen. But now she knows that Gideon is watching her she was feeling exteremly self conscious and she was feeling very insecure about herself and not able to come up with anything to say. Oh this is not good she said to herself. She had never experienced this before.
She pulled up Gideon’s channel. And she looked at his picture. She was wanting to get to know this man for a long time so she just went ahead and let herself be known to him. She kept Gideon’s channel up and printed out his picture. She taped it right by the eye of the webcam. And she turned on the record button. 3, 2, 1 and red. She looked into the webcam and then Gideon’s eyes. She began to tell a story her grandmother told her when she was young about a woman who was the last of her kind and how the eagle flew over head and watched from hi above. That he came to her and took care of her and provided food for her because she had no one. But still the woman was sad and then eagle flew away sad knowing what needed to be done. So as the woman was crying she hear a familiar voice and when she looked she saw no one. Then out from a bush was a very attractive man with the eagle’s voice. She instantly knew the sacrifice he made to be with her and she was grateful for his love and devotion. With that she ended the recording and uploaded it on YouTube. It was a beautiful story she remembered fondly hearing on the reservation.
Jasmine than went to get ready for sleep she was very tired and she was eager to get to bed. She was grateful to witness the lightning strike the tree and not be harmed. She was grateful for Gideon’s comment. And she was grateful to have the means to share grandma’s story with the rest of the world, but more importantly with Gideon. Jasmine went to sleep. She dreamworld was a safehaven for her to go to when the rest of world was scary for her. She felt safer in this sacred space where Creator would speak to her about various things going on in her life. She dreamnt of a big apple and it sat on the hill and it began rolling down the green grass and she found herself chasing after it. And as she reached the end of the hill she ran into Gideon. In her dream she was actually touching him. He was wearing a white shirt and grey pants and he looked very handsome. “Where are you going,” he asked. “I was just following that …and as she looked in the direction of the apple there was a big white horse.” “Come on” he said. “He took her by the hand and got on the horse and pulled her up behind him. And they began to ride fast in the countryside and she held onto him very tightly because she was afraid of horses and falling off. But for some reason that fear was fading away and she was able to go with the moment and enjoy the ride with Gideon.
She drifted out of the beautiful dream. Just laid there. Saturday was a great day to sleep in. Better to have a free day to herself. She was grateful with things to do. She drifted back to sleep and slept a little longer and she felt great. Trying to recapture the exhilaration from dream of riding off with Gideon couldn’t quite acquired again. As she was resting in the bed Midnight jumped on top of her her. Jasmine was happy to be awaken with such enthusiasm and love from her beloved feline. Jasmine cuddled with her cat for awhile. And then she got out of bed and went into the shower. She loved the pulsating of the waters rushing around her and she reached for her Pomegrante shower gel and puff and lathered her entire body. The heat of the water helped her to feel great. She let go and felt better and she was doing great. She proceeded to get dressed in some comfortable maroon sweatshirt and she began to put on her jeans and sneakers.
She proceeded to the kitchen and she grabbed some eggs and began to make her cheddar eggs and proceed to make some toast. She then enjoyed a hearty breakfast glancing at her Art magazine. She felt the day was bright and new and something to look forward to. She put down her magazine and grabbed her keys and she began to go driving in her jeep. She was planning to go to Milwaukee to hang out at Lake Michigan. She drove and the light shine as she headed east. She turned on the radio and the music seemed to propel her forward. She tapped her hand to the music as she kept her eyes on the road. Finally she reached Lake Drive in Wisconsin. She went to the McKinley Marina and decided to park. She got out and began to walk along path. She was enjoying the freedom and carefree day. She watched as people walked past her and watched the boats in the distance. She walked for sometime and walked all the way to Bradford beach and she was able to go sit in the sand.
She sat there for a long time just taking in the beauty of everything. She was grateful for the good times she was experiencing. She loved Lake Michigan. So gorgeous. Her favorite beach to go to. She enjoyed the scenery. Clean breeze with crystal blue skies and water. Very simple pleasures thrill Jasmine. There was such a serene peace here. Jasmine pulled out her video camera and began recording the beauty around her. She enjoyed capturing the loveliness. All of a sudden someone stepped into her frame. “Oh excuse me. I didn’t see you were filming there.” said the gentleman. He kept walking away. Jasmine went back to recording. After awhile Jasmine grew hungry for lunch so she decided to walk to the North St. bridge and then crossed over the bridge. She walked up that way to get to Beans and Barley restaurant for a hearty meal. She loved the healthy choices of food at this restaurant and she went there and was seated very quickly. Not far away sat a gentleman and she did a double take and it was the man who walked in her frame at Bradford Beach. “Hello.” she said. The gentleman looked up from the paper and said “Oh it’s you. Hi I am Joe Peterman.” He extended his hand and she reached out and shook his hand. “I’m Jasmine White Horse” He said “Lovely name. Mind if I joined you?” “I don’t mind,” she said. So he brought his sandwich over and his beverage and sat across from Jasmine. “I am a reporter for the Milwaukee Journal Sentinel.” he said. “I am an academic librarian at UW-Madison library,” Jasmine said. “You took a bit of a drive to get here,” he warmly smiled. “Well I don’t mind the drive besides this is my favorite lake.” “Mine too of course I live here in Milwaukee.” They proceeded to talk about the nature of their jobs, the little nuances of living in the city in each of their cities.
Jasmine noticed that Joe had a wedding ring on. He seemed a nice enough guy. “You looked sad there for a moment. Are you okay?” he said. “It’s a long story,” Jasmine said “I have got time.” For some reason Jasmine felt she could trust Joe. She explained the story of her life in cliff notes version, leaving out gory detials. But she was able to summarize the challenges she had with relationships with men. “You know you seem to be able to open up with me just fine.” Joe said. “I know I find it strange. Maybe I feel safe because you are married and I know tonight I will be driving back home.” Joe said my wife passed away last year, I wear this ring because I am just not ready to take it off yet.” Joe went on to say there are safe men in this world. I know it’s hard to see that because of your experiences but I do believe in my heart that you will connect with someone that will be important to you and you will be able to tell them your life story as you have told me yours.” Jasmine said “Thanks for saying that. Please tell me about your wife.” Joe smiled “You would have loved her. Her name was Miriam she collected Native American art. She and I were married for 15 years we met in high school. We dated through high school and college at Marquette and then when we graduated we got married. Best day of my entire life. We found we couldn’t have children, but we did a lot of volunteer work with charities that worked with children which brought a lot of joy to both of our lives. We enjoyed each other’s company. Miriam was my best friend. It’s so hard to realize that she is gone.” Jasmine reached out and touched Joe’s hand. “I believe she is hear with us listening to you tell of a glorious life you shared with her.” Joe took his other hand and held hers “Thank you Jasmine for saying that and please don’t be sad about being so alone, the spirit of the one who is meant to be with you is already here with you too.” Jasmine felt comforted by him saying that. It kind of took the edge off things for her. Creator knows her wounds her pain, Creator also has a way for healing her pain and fulfilling her needs. It’s just an issue of trust. Joe and Jasmine kept talking of lighter topics and spent the rest of the afternoon laughing and talking. Soon it became late and it was time for Jasmine to hit back on the road home. Joe and Jasmine exchanged contact information. She was glad to have met a new found friend who had gracefully healed a part of her heart. She felt good about herself and talking to him. They hugged and said their goodbyes and they left to go their separate ways.
Jasmine turned the business card in her hand over and over. She was so surprised how easily she was able to talk to Joe. His love for Miriam seemed to make him safe for her. Whatever the reason she was glad that she could make this connection and looked forward to the next time she will connect with him. She walked to her red jeep and got inside and headed down North St. to the get on I-94 to get back home to Madison. She turned back her favorite radio back on and she was enjoying the songs she sung along. She was filled with an enormous amount of hope. She felt that no matter where she was her true love was already there with her. In that moment she felt safe. There was no separation, no need for searching she was just connected and she was grateful for that.
She finally reached her house and she drove up her driveway and saw a fat black cat walking across her lawn. It was a much heavier cat than her own cat Midnight. She had never seen this particular cat before. It was a strange night. She felt like she was gone for weeks not just a day. It felt good to leave the city and it felt even better to be back. She entered her back door by the kitchen walked past the knook and square pillows that sat underneath the windows. She saw the piles of magazines on her kitchen table. The white cabinets looked so bright with the dishes that were showing through the glass in the doors. Then it occurred to her, I wonder if Gideon saw her latest video? So she went into the dining room where her Dell desktop computer was resting and she fired it up. The Pubelo wallpaper appeared with purple flowers. She went to her YouTube account and sure enough there was a comment left from Gideon. “Jasmine, your culture is so beautiful and so is this story you shared from your grandmother. I would love to hear more about you and your culture.” Her latest fan she thought to herself. Then to her shocked there in her inbox was an email from Gideon. It was short, but sweet. He wrote how he was enjoying seeing her videos and how deeply rooted she is in her Native American culture. He goes on to tell her how he has always been fascinated by the Native American. He said he has Celtic in him and he marvels at the similarities between Native American and Celtic cultures such as the clan systems and their tribal nature. He asked her to please tell him more about herself.
Jasmine was totally floored that he would already be emailing her. He seemed so sweet and sincere. She thought to herself why in the world didn’t I reach out to her a year ago. She thought she was so silly to have silently watched his video for so long, but she was glad they were finally connecting. She just wasn’t sure where this was all going to lead to. She smiled to herself. She decided to think about what she is going to come up with as a response. She had no clue. She was flooded with all sorts of emotions and couldn’t come up with a single focus. She was swept up in the giddiness of the energy that was moving through her. She started to dance around her house to music only she could hear. She laughed out loud as swayed back and forth. She always loved to dance alone in her apartment she always felt self conscious dancing in dance competitions as a jingle dress dance. She remembers all the judges staring her down as she focused to keep her steps in rhythm with the drum beat ever so important to end the beat on the last beat of the drum. No she loved to carefree dance just for herself she felt freer doing that and she was happy. Happy than she had in a long time.
It was late at night and she decided to take a sage and cedar bath before bed. She decided to sleep on it before she responded back to Gideon. Gideon such a lovely name it conveys such spirituality and sense of comfort. She turned on the Gathering of the Nations radio station and began to prepare the bath. She got bundles of sage and cedar from a dear friend Lindsey who gathered them out in South Dakota. When Lindsey is in town she enjoys talking to Jasmine, but she only sees her once in a great while. Jasmine went and got her wolf candles and lit each of them and placed them throughout her bathroom. The hanging crystal on the wall reflected the flames across the wall. The music had a sweet Native American flute playing in the background. Jasmine disrobed and began to fill the water with hot water and she added the sage and cedar as the tub began to fill up. The scent and cedar evoked a powerful sense of awakening and home inside her. They both were very soothing scents and they invoked images of various ceremonies with familiar people around in circles some without and with a fire. Some were outdoors at night and others were in dining rooms, living rooms, and basements in homes. She remembered the voice of pain and healing that were shared in those days. It was strange for her now because she attended ceremony less in her days. Some day in the past she had attended ceremony once a week regularly for years. Now aways her little personal ceremonies like the sage and cedar bath is what healed her and helped sooth her frazzled nerves from living in the city. She remembered the wild nature in her being and she felt that it helped her life. She was no ordinary woman.
Jasmine immersed herself in the herbal spiritual bath after she turned off the knobs to the hot water. The cream colored walls were illuminated by the flicking flames of her candles with faces of wolves staring out at her. Soft drumming and chants echoed from the living room. Jasmine had a hard time living in two worlds. Her tribal roots so strong and reinforced as a child seemed so dispersed as she was living in a fast paced multicultural progressive city like Madison. She longed for the days she was tighter connected with her people. Sadness overwhelmed her. Sure she shared with the world pieces of her culture her fondest memories and traditions and many of her subscribers were entranced by her culture, but for her sharing her culture on YouTube was her way of keeping her culture alive. She worked at the American Indian Studies library, but she remembered her mother as a child would say that true Native American culture came through oral tradition not books. Jasmine loved books aspired to even write some, but she never forgot the lesson of the importance of sharing the culture orally. That was the foundation of her childhood. Working in library just wasn’t the same. The books were not alive to the way the living ceremonies were. She struggled with this duality of passing along information. Sometimes she felt conflicted about writing because her mother thought that oral traditional was much more important. So Jasmine often felt torn between the certain traditions her mother told her and the way of the modern world. Jasmine loved computers and being on YouTube and aspired to write books, but these ways were very different from the historical traditions that were passed to her. Often she finds herself writing about Native American culture or making YouTube videos about Native American ways and expressions. But Jasmine was also aware she was half Celtic and she loved Celtic music and arts, but in her upbringing she was rooted more in native ways than she was in Celtic ways. Though she is very fond of Celtic expressions. It’s kinda strange when you grow up in a community and family where only a part of you is valued and encouraged to be expressed and here you have another side more mysterious and unknown that wasn’t nurtured when you grow up. It’s like a hunger to know that other side of you. Curiosity and mystery makes it all the more wonderful. But see this is what she loves about Gideon. He is Celtic and she believes that getting to know him she will be able to get to know her own Celtic side. She wants to experience a wholeness. She wanted to experience him and his ways too.
Jasmine sunk deeper in her tub and she stuck her head underneath the water and came back up. The scent she smelled was heavenly and she was being serenaded by the rhythmic drumming and songs of the old ones. She sat there thinking of all the things that hurt her when a single word she could hear in her head. Balance. Balance was the key to many things in her life and she could see that balance could help her meet her needs and heal her spiritual wounds. Sage and cedar she felt turns the hot water into holy water washing away all her sorrow and pain. She needed that to be taken from her and to let go. The men singing around the pow wow drum and the women in the background answering back made her feel very safe. Loved and protected as a child as she was there it has become part of her essence very true. She didn’t think she could ever truly let go of the Native American ways no matter how horrible and violent things had happened to her. She strongly felt that the goodness and holiness of her experiences outweighed the tragedies and no matter who she ended up with the native side in her was strong enough in her. She did little rituals throughout the year at home and went to public gatherings in the community. She felt connected through the thread of the ritual each tied around the circle. She knew the heartbeat of the mother earth was the drum and it was soothing to her to come back to her. Sometimes she forgot how easy it was for her to return home by simple things like the Native American music or the use of sage, cedar, and sweetgrass. Very simple things, but very essential to her being. Even the medicine bag she wears around her neck all the time speaks to her of home that she always carries with her. How she prepared her medicine bag for herself and spent great time and prayer over it. She was very grateful for the time that is being spent on her spiritual side. Even though these special spiritual things were done in private they were enough to connect her to the Great Mystery and Creator of the Universe.
Jasmine spent a lot of time the tub in the water and she was ready to get out of the tub. She carefully climbed out and wrapped herself in a long fuzzy pink terry cloth towel that wrapped her entire being. She could hear a contemporary native song come on the radio very upbeat. She put on some purple sweat pants and a turquoise shirt with fancy stitching on the front that she got from Goodwill for a very low price. Jasmine was very much into comfort. She decided to go back on the computer and check out various sites on the Internet. She read some mail, a lot were subscriptions to spiritual or creative issues and she had a very interesting time. She felt light spirited and she could tell her mood shifted from earlier to a more relaxed mood. She had a great time and she was very eager to explore her environment of her inner world for awhile. Finally, it was time to go to bed.
She walked into the bedroom after turning out all of the lights. All that she could see was the red lights of her alarm clock. It’s Saturday night and she didn’t have to wake up in the morning early so she was glad she didn’t have to set the alarm. She felt strange and she didn’t know what to do. Sometimes she felt like that before she fell asleep and she felt a bit apphrensive about what she might dream about. She never knew what was going to surface. She felt safe true. However, she was sifting through her mind trying to think what in the world is she going to write back to Gideon. Sometimes she gets nervous talking to guys she was attracted to. All her feelings got all swept up inside and she wasn’t sure if she could sleep. Part of her wanted to go back to the computer and write something right away which is what she usually does. Something though said to her to take her time, but that didn’t erase all the nervous feelings she had. Whenever she wrote an email to an attractive guy she would keep rehashing over and over every little word she intended to write. She wanted to send a perfect messaege, however just when she thinks she gets it right she sends the email and is plagued with enormous nervous and doubtful feelings thinking she messed up her message some how. She thinks to herself she could have sent the message a different way or worded it in a different manner. Sometimes she would dwell on these things for days cause she never knows for sure how she will come across. She felt weary from all the second doubts she put herself through in these situations. She struggled with letting go all the time.
She laid in bed an thought about her two spirited Native American from the Lakota tribe friend Brian Brushell who always seemed to cheer her up and always seemed to know what to say. She was always eager to talk to Brian who had this simple way of telling it like it is, but in a loving safe way. She is one of her best male friends. She cried on his shoulders many times in her life and he always seemed to be a pillar of peace for her. He was a great hugger too that seemed like a big brother. Jasmine didn’t have an older brother growing up someone to watch out for her. Brian was a very spiritual guy who gave her great spiritual advice but lived in Door County with the artists. He was very creative and made sculptures out of metal and he had a shop there. He had a very special way about him and kept her balanced.
Brian was friends with her on Facebook and she would often read his funny status messages. She tried very hard to connect with with him online when in between seeing him. They love to talk about spiritual things. She felt that she could talk to him spirituality in a way that she never could before. She was very happy when she spent time with him and it was always a joy to see him and hear his wisdom. She wished she could pick up the phone right now and talk to him. She knew he was up north in Canada undergoing a special ceremony out up north in the woods and would not be reachable on phone or internet. She would talk to him first about everything. She knew he had a way of making things become better for her.
She felt his presence in the room with her sitting on the chair across the way. He didn’t say anything but his spiritual presence reassured her that everything is going to be alright. She began to drift away in sleep. As she entered the dreamworld she sat beside a brook that was babbling and everything appeared lush and new as if it were spring. A man in the distance was coming down the path and as he drew closer she could see it was her Stepfather Edgar White Horse. He sat down beside her wearing white buckskin and said “You look troubled.”
“I am father, I treasured the time I had with you and your loving care and guidance, but for some reason it didn’t seem to be enough to undo the damage my father did to me and has been leading me to abusive relationships. There is this man that I love and have loved for over a year now, but I only know him through his videos. We have never met face to face or talked directly or on the phone. He just sent me a comment yesterday and an email. I want to open up to this man, but I am afraid because of my history with men. These relationships I hear formed on the Internet are some bad and some good. I don’t know if I am making the right decision to go forward and pursue this man I am interested in. I am very scared and I am having a hard time what to tell him.”
Edgar replied, “You are the daughter I never had and I want what is best for you. You deserve to be treated well. You deserve a man who loves and respects you.”
“Father that is just the thing, I thought I was in good relationships I missed the signs before and now I am leery about moving forward. This man and I just started to communicate directly after I watched his videos for a year. I feel things are going to change for us, but I am not sure if it will be for better or worse.” said Jasmine.
“You have been through a lot of personal healing and you have reached a certain level of wellness. Trust that the Creator will guide you that you are ready now to experience the kind of relationship you always dreamed off. You are not alone Jasmine. You will always have me. You always have the Creator. There are people who love you in this world. Believe you deserve love.” Edgar said.
Jasmine looked up into the blue sky and she say a rainbow cross the sky. Maybe it’s finally my turn to experience a good positive healthy relationship. “Was it that simple to believe in deserving love, was it really that simple to just do.” said Jasmine.
“When you want love, love is all you see.” said Edgar.
Then Edgar and Jasmine just spent the rest of the dream sitting there listening to the brook talk to them and the birds sings. It seemed like the dream was a piece of heaven when Jasmine woke up and turned to face the day. She was at peace. She was going to trust Creator to lead her in true love. Jasmine just laid in bed listening. She just reflecting.
Jasmine did spend over 16 years in various therapies and support groups on domestic violence healing. She even used to lead a domestic violence support group for Native American domestic violence survivors. She knows that she faced he issues head on. She knows she went to see a domestic violence counselor. She knows she spent a lot of time together in women’s circles. She took healing classes for trauma survivors. She was very proactive in facing the pain and suffering of her life.
Healing is a mysterious process for Jasmine. She knows she has come along way and yet at times she knows there are certain things that elude her. She struggles to find the good in her life sometimes when she is plagued with the flashbacks of a violent past. She has a hard time being in the moment. She struggles with trust issues all the time in particular with men. She struggled and she fought hard for her current level of health and stability. She deserved better in life yet didn’t always now how to receive that good. Sometimes she thinks she settled for less and other times she thinks she pushes good a way. However, through it all she knows that that she can be proud for the healing journey that she has uncovered and how she helped others along the way.
So, she wondered is now the point that the Creator would help her with steps to a possible romantic relationship? Was she ready to take further steps and find out? She was taking very conscious steps in this particular contact with Gideon even though nothing romantic had started. It could and she wanted to be ready. She wanted to be ready before she took the next step.
She climbed out of bed and went to the kitchen to make some English muffins with grape jelly and a cup of tea. She looked out the window and the light streamed on her face. She felt awakened and she felt good to start. Serenity filled her entire being. She felt like all of creation was giving her a green light to go forward with Gideon. She changed out of her sweats and into some jeans and a black t-shirt. Her hair looked very healthy. She was having a great time and she was very happy that things were going so well. She decided to sit down on her computer. She was ready to respond to Gideon.
Dear Gideon,
Thank you so much for taking the time respond to my comment as well as go ahead and watch my videos and then send me that lovely email. I have been a fan of yours for a long time, but finally was able to reach out to you. It’s kinda silly you know that I waited so long, but I really wanted to wait for the right time to reach out. I felt moved by your latest video with the archangel reading of the Art card and the relationship of creativity and ArchAngel Gabriel.
As for me when I was a child I knew nothing but reservation life in Lac Du Flambeau as I am from the Ojibway tribe. I had a very strong connection to my native roots and community and I felt very whole. Times brought struggles with my father, but then my mother remarried to my stepfather who I identify as my real father Edgar White Horse. I participated in ceremonies and pow wows and other social gatherings. Then I graduated high school and came to Madison for my bachelor’s and Master’s degree in library science. I love books. Someday I will write a book. I am glad to hear that you too are a writer and that you are a professional one at that.
I am curious as to which videos you seen which will give me a handle what you know about me already. I feel like I “know” you though we have never met and I just left a comment after a year. I treasure the opportunity to getting to know you directly. I have watched your channel grow and subscribers increase. It’s been a pleasure to watch. You are clearly much more established than I am and as this is my first year making videos. You also make much more videos in a year time than I do. However, I have enjoyed the experience on being on YouTube and I want to grow in this experience. I used to take public speaking courses and participate in forensics and debate.
What most people don’t know is that I am very into Enya and Celtic Knotwork. I developed the taste on my own since most of my upbringing has been around Native American people and culture. But it’s as if the Celtic part of me was hungry and sought out Celtic music and artwork. I would love to learn more about the Celtic culture you grew up with. Which I think is funny. I love cultures in general and I am fascinated by folk fairs as a kid. Trying the different food seeing the different dances.
I have never left the country. Though I have traveled to different parts of the country. I have a huge appetite for music in general of all sorts of varieties. I tend to be picky about what I like though and tend to have favorite songs. I love dance clubs. I love to design t-shirts artwork.
Please tell me more about yourself.
Warm regards,
Jasmine
Jasmine reread the letter and thought it was a friendly introductory letter. She doubled checked to make sure no where in the letter indicated that she has been in love with him for a year. She was afraid she might let it slip. She was having a hard time being his friend when to her she has been carrying feelings for this individual for a very long time. She never thought in all her life that one could fall in love with someone based on their videos. But this is YouTube where people share their lives for the world to see. It’s a very strange phenomenon. You could get a glimpse to an ordinary person through YouTube. Sure there are those viral videos out there, but there is that special person out there just being themselves and sharing their story to the internet community. So grounded and humble. So honest and trustworthy. She strongly felt Gideon was such a person. He seemed so sincere in his clips. So down to earth it was beautiful to watch month after month. Gideon seemed to good to be true. She didn’t know how to effectively communicate her intense attraction to Gideon yet, but hopefully he will respond positively to her communications.
She wondered if Gideon used Skype. That might be a very nice step. She would love to send Gideon a package of Native American items if he would be interested in her. She was hoping that communication like that would help connect with her. The possibilities are endless these days. She loved the worldliness of the world and the ability to connect with everybody. She laughed there she goes getting ahead of herself. She felt like she was being challenged to let things unfold.
Jasmine decided to go out for a walk. Midnight tried to jump on her leg before she left. She put on her boots and headed outside with her blue jacket. She lived in a nice residential area of Madison away from the UW-Madison campus. The leaves were golden and orange and she could see the sunbeams through the foliage. She liked the crisp air of autumn and she was having a great time moving through the streets. She felt hopeful and optimistic for the first time in a long time.
Jasmine must have walked around for over a mile. She turned to head back as she walked past she saw a white cat walking down the sidewalk towards. As the cat reached Jasmine she bent over and pet this traveler. The white cat proceeded to rub against Jasmine’s jeans, perhaps this cat could sense Midnight she thought to herself. Jasmine continued to pet the cat and she was glad to spend this time with the furry creature. Finally, she was ready to go home so she gave the cat one final pet and stood up. The cat heeding the cue kept on walking and Jasmine proceeded to walk the rest of the home kicking the leaves as she went.
She turned the lock into the key and entered and she definitely felt refreshed. She decided to make a phone call as she laid her peyote stitched key chain on the table. She decided to call Joe. She listened to the phone and heard that the voice mail pick up. “Hello you have reached Joe, please leave a message and I will get back to you as soon as I can.” Jasmine twirled his business card, “Hi Joe it’s Jasmine. I enjoyed meeting you in Milwaukee would love to talk to you again. Please give me a call. Thanks bye.”
Jasmine set the cordless phone down and walked over to the fridge and grabbed a Coke Zero and then walked over to her desktop computer. She went straight to her email account to see if Gideon had left an email and she took a sip of her soda. Right away she noticed that Gideon did respond much to her excitement. She put on some internet radio of top 40 hits on her computer. She then opened the email that Gideon sent her and began to read.
Dear Jasmine,
I am honored to hear you are such a longtime fan of my channel. It’s great to finally meet you my dear fan. I started by just watching your latest three videos, but I have plans for going through your channel. I am glad you finally reached out to me so I have the opportunity to get to know you through your channel. I am glad my archangel oracle reading was recently so meaningful for you. I do see art as a strong connection between us via our YouTube videos and what we choose to share with the world. I am also glad that we share an interest in writing and I would love to read your writings someday very soon.
I have lived in London all my life, though I have traveled the world with my parents. I do have a strong interest in the Celtic culture and would love to share that with you as well. Both my parents have passed away and I have limited family in the other areas of England. I have a great bunch of friends and always seem to busy to be doing something somehow. I am interested in your culture too.
Well there is YouTube, writing. I love running and live music. I enjoy many concerts in all sorts of settings and surroundings. I feel being present in a live setting allows the music to fully resonate within my being. Not much of a rugby fan. I hang out in a lot of variety of places where writers and other bohemian types are.
YouTube is a funny thing. I hadn’t heard of it and a friend mentioned it to me and I was interested in it right away once I checked it out. I see the immense potential to reach out to the world. And I am grateful that I have this ability to connect with people like you right now and I hope to get to know you better. I am very interested in getting to know you better. Do you Skype?
-Gideon
Jasmine was happy that Gideon read her mind and was interested in Skpe like she was. Jasmine was thinking about things she could say to him and she started going through her Facebook and her YouTube sites. When she noticed that Gideon had posted a new video and it was titled “Reading for Jasmine.” Wow she thought to herself he moves quickly she thought she should have commented on his video a long time ago. She then clicked on the video and began to play the video. There was Gideon and he was very handsome in the video with a nice dress shirt on of navy blue and she was grateful that he was making his video for her. He began with his shoutout to Jasmine and to her surprise he even put a link of her site on his video so that people could check out her videos. Then he started talking about another vlogger he just met online and how impressed he was about her video channel and he wanted all his subscribers to know about her. He was very appreciate of the early comment and letters that they have been exchanging so far and he was interested to get to know him better. So, he thought he would a special reading for Jasmine. So he got out his deck of oracle cards and began to shuffle. He began to pray to the holy spirit and asked to be guided and that lead to the card that you want me to pull that Jasmine needed to know today. The card pulled today is “Hidden Worlds” with Archangel Raziel. Gideon said “Now Archangel Raziel is the angel of mysteries. I know Jasmine is a writer and has the ability to tap into her creative source to unearth hidden worlds. It’s a very powerful gift of the third eye being able to see the unseen. That is what I believe is our powerful connection to express the hidden worlds through our writing. We are each linked by this ability. We each have this heightened awareness and a timing to open up to the hidden worlds. Jasmine pay attention to strange sychronicities may be occurring regularly and pay attention that want to be revealed to you. It’s an ideal time to write right now. Writing is a pivotal tool to transform your world Jasmine. I remember one day recently I was in the church listening to angelic chanting and in the distance I saw ArchAngel Raziel and I was encouraged to see that a special person was coming into my life. I believe that person is you Jasmine.”
Jasmine was completely mesmerized. No one has ever done a reading for her on YouTube before. And it was such a meaningful reading. He seemed to indicate such a powerful connection between us in the reading through ArchAngel Raziel and was able to connect her writing that they both shared as a powerful conduit to bring about a new consciousness. She was very grateful for him to take the time of a whole video devoted to her. She felt like that was a beautiful gift to give her. She was happy just pure elation. She was so excited. She thought to herself and said I have to talk directly to this special man.
She went to her email account and wrote a short note to Gideon.
Dear Gideon,
That was a totally unbelievable reading! Thank you!To know that we are both connected through ArchAngel Raziel and writing to uncover hidden worlds is very profound. I am so happy that you surprised me with this amazing reading. You are so sweet! I definitely want to talk to you on Skype my Skpe name is WhiteHorse10000. I look forward to talking to you live on Skype.
Warm regards,
Jasmine.
Jasmine was very happy to look forward to a Skype conversation with Gideon she was very thrilled and felt this was a great day. She was feeling that her life was moving in a very good direction. She got up and turned on some upbeat music and began to dance around her house to the curiousity of Midnight who was sitting on a wooden table in the corner of the room. She felt alive and she wanted to express it. She had the feelings flow as she turned around her place and felt good about getting what she wants for the first time in her life. She was excited and she was happy that things were going so well. She felt a new found life flowing through life. The sun streamed pretty hot through the windows for an October day. She was getting through the day in a very cheery way and she kept checking her email throughout the day. As well as Skype.
She ended taking some time to make a BLT and some potato wedges. And she drank chocolate milk. She went through the day and it was great and she was happy and about her newfound connection. She was happy and she loved it and was she was esctatic. That’s when she heard the sound. It was her Skype. She went over to the computer screen and she got a message from Skype that Archangel Raziel777 was interested in connecting with. She thought it was funny that Raziel was part of his Skype name. So she accepted. And up appeared his typed response.
Gideon: Hello Jasmine
Jasmine: Hi Gideon
Gideon: How are you?
Jasmine: I am doing great. Thank you so much for the video again today.
Gideon: I am glad you enjoyed it. I would like to talk to you more about it if you are interested in continuing in video chat.
Jasmine: That sounds great.
Gideon: Alright
The next thing Jasmine knew was that Skype sent a message and it was ringing that she had an incoming call from Gideon. She very much liked Gideon’s smiling face. It was as if an aura of white light shined around him.
Jasmine went ahead and clicked on the connection button and the little white arrow began moving in a circle as each webcam came on screen. Jasmine’s came online first. Then Gideon’s came online and then she heard Gideon talking to her. She was feeling great to hear his voice.
“Hi Jasmine” said Gideon.
Jasmine loved the way he said her name. “Hi Gideon. How are you?”
“I am doing fine. How are you?” said Gideon.
“This is exciting! It’s been so long since I have watched your videos and now you are talking directly to me!” said Jasmine .
Gideon chuckled, “Isn’t technology grand?”
“My grandparents would be so amazed with this. My grandfather served in World War I and was separated from my grandmother the whole. I don’t think they ever imagined people connecting around the world so instantaneously like this.” Jasmine stated.
“I’m glad we can connect in this way. I have been totally caught up in watching your videos Jasmine. I have been watching more earlier in the day.” said Gideon.
“I am very happy to know that you enjoy my videos. Even though I have been doing this for a year I still feel like a beginner.” said Jasmine.
“Don’t knock yourself, you have a lot of unique voice to share with the world and I am happy to get to know you. I am amazed you have been following me this past year and haven’t said anything until now.” said Gideon.
“I know isn’t that silly. I mean if I just had said something sooner we could have been communicating like this. Trust me I have been kicking myself for hesitating too long.” Jasmine said.
“Well stop beating yourself up and give me the chance now to get to know you.” Gideon laughed softly.
Jasmine noticed a twinkle in his eye and wanted to get to closer to him physically. Sigh they were talking so well together that it frustrated Jasmine to know that he was physically so far away in London. “It would be nice if we were closer to each other so we can see each other.” said Jasmine.
Gideon said: “Funny you should mention that because I was going to East Coast Writer’s conference out in New York next month.”
Jasmine said to herself, New York. “A writer’s conference you say. That would be interesting.”
Gideon: “You’re a writer you might be interested in meeting me up at the conference. There’s still enough time to register.”
Jasmine liked the idea of meeting Gideon, but he felt hesitant. It’s one thing to view Gideon’s videos on YouTube and to talk on Skype. She just wasn’t sure if she was ready to take another step even though that was something she wanted to do. Then again how often does an opportunity come up like this? “That is amazing you should mention that. I was just earlier thinking about the chances of meeting you and here one presents itself. I would love to go and meet you there.”
Gideon said “Great I will send you all the conference materials in the email including their website and you should be able to hook up with them.”
Jasmine was feeling kinda dazed that she is agreeing to meet up with Gideon of all things a writer’s conference, wow Raziel sure works wonders. She laughed to herself. Just then Gideon began to speak again. “You know Jasmine I feel like ArchAngel Raziel is my guaridian angel and when I got the message that a special person was coming into my life and then Raziel appeared in your reading I just felt like he sent you my way. This is a powerful synchronicity. Don’t be afraid Jasmine.”
Jasmine blinked at Gideon. How did he know she was scared. It must have been written all over her face. She couldn’t imagine what else to do for a moment and she took a deep breathe. “I believe in sychronicities. I do. I just find myself having a hard time with men cause I put up walls. See I am a domestic violence survivor.”
Gideon softly spoke “It saddens me to hear this. I understand if you are not ready to face me. We can go slower if you want and just talk to each other on Skype.”
“No…that’s not what I mean. I just needed you to know about that part of me. I needed you to understand why I react to certain things. The idea of seeing you sounds exciting. It would be a dream come true really.” said Jasmine.
“Oh good because I definitely want to see you. I know I just started watching your videos and emailing you, but I feel an instant connection.” said Gideon.
Jasmine smiled.
Gideon said “If you want to talk about what happened it’s okay by me. I am someone who would listen.”
“Good to keep in mind, thank you for the offer.” said Jasmine, “I just don’t want to be this victim pouring out a sob story to you.”
“ I didn’t think that at all. For the kind of woman I have seen you evolve into over the course of a year I can tell that you are not just a survivor but someone who thrives.” said Gideon.
“Thank you for saying that I have spent many many years in therapy, groups, and native healing ceremonies trying to heal and get better. I know I needed to face this. I know that I can’t run from this. I don’t want to hide under a rock. I want to heal so I can have positive male relationships. I don’t want to live in fear.” said Jasmine.
“I understand what you mean. My mother was a domestic violence surivor too before she met my father she got involved with a boyfriend. At first he was like a knight in shining armor and was there to save her and in the end he became a violent monster. My dad says that he had to go very slow with mom because she would have flashbacks with being with her ex. She needed to build trust with dad in the beginning. Sometimes her fears would flair up. I even saw it in her when she was dealing with men that she wasn’t familiar with. At the time, I didn’t understand what she was going through or why, but later in my teens dad explained more in depth about what happened to mom. I may not have gone through what you have gone through Jasmine, but I have seen the results through my mom.” said Gideon.
Jasmine felt her heart warm by Gideon’s understanding, “You don’t realize how important that was for me to hear that. I was grateful to have the opportunity to talk to you like this, talking to you directly is much better than I ever imagined.”
“I feel the same way. I read your comment and was curious who you were and I clicked your name and it took me to this lovely channel with a gorgeous eyes, perfect haired, beautiful woman with the most fascinating heritage and so creatively expressive. It was absolutely wonderful. I said to myself right then I just have to get to know this wonderful lady. “ said Gideon.
Jasmine blushed she was amazed to receive the wonderful compliments from Gideon. But back in Jasmine’s mine she thought to herself that’s how this begins. He will be nice and sweet and honorable, but his true side my reveal he is not what he seems. Jasmine caught herself and said to herself, I need to stop thinking all men are out to hurt me. “Thank you Gideon.”
“Where were you?” asked Gideon.
“Oh I am sorry I was just caught off guard.” said Jasmine.
“Before you answered me you looked like that you were somewhere else far away.” inquired Gideon.
“I do that sometimes, I question whether guys really mean what they say. I am sorry I didn’t want to do that with you.” asked Gideon.
Gideon reassured her, “It’s okay. If I were in your shoes I probably would never trust a guy again. The fact you are taking the time to talk to me is a huge step. And the fact you reached out to me after a year of learning about me that says you really wanted to get to know me. I am honored that I am worthy of such a risk.”
Jasmine chuckled, “You are too good to be true. You say the right things and you have this way of putting me at ease. The sound of your voice is so soothing to me. I have never felt that way before about any man.”
“You know grabs me?” Gideon asked. “The way you sing. You have such an angelic voice and it’s quite beautiful. I must have watched your singing videos all night long last night. I couldn’t stop and I played many of them over and over.”
Jasmine giggle, “I appreciate you sharing that with me, thanks.”
Wow we are really hitting it off Jasmine thought to herself she was very happy. Sure though she felt safe on Skype, how would she feel face to face. She wasn’t sure how she would respond to then.
“So tell me about this East Coast Writer’s Conference.” asked Jasmine.
“Well let’s see it’s a national writer’s conference full of workshops, writers, and editors running around. They also have informational booth. It’s said to be one of the largest writer’s conference that has world named authors there, but is still accessible to the beginner writer’s looking to break out in the publishing market. I would highly recommend it. I actually know a guy who could help you get in at a lower rate.” stated Gideon.
Jasmine was impressed with the way Gideon wanted to help her go. “I was wondering about that because I thought it would be too late go, but if you know someone that would help.”
“Yeah Tom Barker he’s a writing friend of mine from New York, he would definitely hook you up.” said Gideon.
“Email me the details and I think I would take you up on the offer. I actually have some drafts of short stories that I wanted to put together in a books. I would like to turn them into a book someday, but I have no idea. I am not the greatest on editing, but I am much more comfortable about laying down the ideas of draft. I can write draft after draft, but it’s much more struggle finalizing a piece.” said Jasmine.
“I understand that. I will email you the information for sure. Now that we got it squared away that we are going to connect at the East Coast writer’s convention, let’s spend the time from now and then to getting to know each other better that should help you adjust to us meeting before.” said Gideon.
“I would like that. I feel like the doors are just flying open for us and that is quite amazing. I am kinda kicking myself if I known that we would have been connecting with each other so well I would have initiated this a lot sooner. You must think I am silly for waiting.” said Jasmine.
“You know it’s funny divine timing it is. It’s really a great that we are finally connecting, but it’s clear we weren’t ready to begin before. So don’t beat yourself up. This is fine. I am happy we have something coming together now.” said Gideon.
“Gideon you are so easy to talk to it would have been nice to talk to you much sooner. I still think of all that lost time and I was scared that maybe it wouldn’t be as great as it is. You know there are a lot of times I was silent. I would just watch and listen and learn taking everything in. I enjoyed the time I took to watch your videos. They were a great source of comfort me. I found myself thinking about the things you say and many times I would laugh and laugh for days over something that you said it was just so great to watch your show. Anytime day or night I could watch an episode again it felt really good. I was just thinking what such a gift you have given the world of yourself. It was very special to share in that gift and get to know you that way. I know it’s not the same as meeting a person, but to me it’s like such a big step to hear and see someone and how that is such a great way to start connecting with a person. A good introductory level for me.” said Jasmine.
“Videos do make connecting with people in a long distance a more easier way they would make it easier to express themselves.” said Gideon.
“I am fascinated with video. I never was before it was something I watched from time to time, but when you are out there participating in the creation of videos, as small as that may be you begin to have a much more profound way of viewing other videos. You are like creating a voice.” said Jasime.
“I can see how videos would give you a voice, I certainly know in the time that I have been doing videos I have been build my voice over and over. Every video is a step in progress and developing a stronger sense of self. It’s all practice. Someday I want to help a lot of people and really reach a wide audience.” said Gideon.
“Interesting you seek fame.” said Jasmine.
“No not really I just want a wider audience to do the kind of work I want to do.” said Gideon.
“ You want fame.” smirked Jasmine in a matter of fact sort of way.
Gideon blushed and looked away.
“What do you want Jasmine what matters to you the most above all else?”said Gideon.
“I want true love, to be with the partner that my Creator has picked for me. To help him be his best as he helps me to be my best. It matters to me more than wealth, fame, career.” said Jasmine.
“I want to make my dreams come true. I value creative freedom.” stated Gideon.
“Perhaps you I could be in one of your dreams.” laughed Jasmine.
“I am sure with a laugh like that you will definitely be in my dreams. “Where did you get a laugh like that it’s contagious it makes me feel great just hearing it.” said Gideon.
“I have no idea. I didn’t always laugh like this. But lately my life has been feeling so right and good that I couldn’t stop laughing. It just bubbles out of me. I will be in one room and I will come out and people will tell me that they knew it was me just from my laugh. You know what draws me into your channel? Your unbelievable gracious warmth. You just glow.” said Jasmine.
“That’s pretty funny cause I didn’t see myself like that. I just really am being myself.” said Gideon.
“Well that’s what’s so wonderful about you are so authentic and real. It’s so refreshing to see that in a person, let alone find it on YouTube. I mean some people just hustle themselves just to get subscribers and views, but really the winning quality is your authentic charm it just draws me in and I am grateful about that I really am. I am glad about that. I would watch your channel and I would feel like you were really in the room for me. Just me. When you would look in the camera I thought you were looking at me and only me. Like I was your only audience. I know that’s silly. You made these videos for an unknown amount of people, but for some reason I felt like that you already knew I was watching you.” said Jasmine.
“You honor me you know. You really do. I am just this guy making my videos from my house on my webcam. The fact that I have made such a huge impact on you blows me away. Now a part of me wishes you did talk to me sooner because I would have loved to had the privilege to getting to know you better sooner.” said Gideon.
Jasmine smiled. “I want to know why you drives you and your creativity?”
Gideon said, “Creativity is awesome. It is the power that turns the world around. Creator has a power to manifest this swirling spinning universe full of stars, planets, and people. That awesome power and little ole is the child of this magnificent Creator and I meant to use that creative is what fuels me. That I can change the world through my expression and make lives better. I believe I am the channel of sacred angelic messages that I have the capacity to touch people with the divine and that Creator would bless me to be that channel and be a part of that is wonderful. Isn’t that what an artist is a messenger? Isn’t that true Angel?” said Gideon.
Jasmine blushed at being called angel, “In my way I believe in guardians not just the four directions of the medicine wheel, but also the angelic ways. See that’s what’s drew me into your channel, the first day I saw it I had an angelic message which was Hidden Worlds -Archangel Raziel just like I saw recently. I remember that day I looked at you through your webcam in your house and for some reason I couldn’t see your face very well it was cast in shadow most of the video and I was captured by your voice talking about the power of creativity and discovering hidden worlds within and without. I was blown away by that single moment, I felt I was receiving an angelic moment through you. Before recenly I was called by Archangel Raziel and I felt that he had become my guardian angel and at first I really didn’t understand why. But then you were talking about hidden worlds last year and the connection to creativity and the need and importance of writing I started to resurrect my passions about writing. I started to fill my journals again after a long hiatus and I began to seek creativity in my life more. I began my YouTube channel because I was so inspired by the messages you were able to share with the world. I began to go to the computer to write. Yes, before I was creative years before, but when I found you were the catalyst that reignited my passion to pursue creative pursuits. Gideon you don’t realize how much you have changed my life in the last year. How much stronger I have become because of you. How I have begun writing more because of you. You have been my creative key to unlocking the hidden wonders inside my being.”
“Angel Jasmine you may not believe this but before you left that beautiful comment I had a powerful synchronicity. I had a dream and it in Archangel Raziel spoke to me asking me to be open to new changes and while I was there in the forest an older Native American man in white bucksin came up to me and he smiled at me. And then he said gently ‘Take good care of her, she needs you.’ When I woke up I never seen this man before, but I felt a woman would be entering in my life. And then your comment came, a Native American woman with her own YouTube channel who is familiar with my online work and I got goosebumps when I played the first video and it was you singing. It was heavenly. Jasmine I know that you and I have a divine purpose and I want to work alongside you to help you creatively and spiritually the way you have also been helping me.” said Gideon.
Jasmine instantly knew who that man was, “Gideon I believed the man I call father Edgar White Horse came to you, he recently came to me in a dream too. I think it’s wonderful that we have this deep spiritual connection, mutual interest in culture with each other, passion for creativity specifically writing, but this is happening way too fast. I know these are clear spiritual signs, but I need to work through some of this between now and we meet. I am caught in both wonder and fear. Wonder that we have so many ways to grow together, that we’re brand new to connecting directly yet we have these deep spiritual connections already. I need to talk to you as much as I can. I need to talk to Lisa my counselor and help me to process this. See I am afraid of men. While it’s easy for me to talk to you here, I fear how I will react when met face to face. I am afraid I will be so deathly afraid I won’t be able to speak.”
Gideon gently said “Jasmine if you need to talk to Lisa talk to Lisa. If you don’t want to go to New York just yet you don’t have to. I am willing to work with you to make you feel safe. If you need more time that is okay.”
Jasmine got frustrated with herself, “I don’t know why I have to be this way! I find a perfectly good guy and I feel like I crumble in fear at this chance. I don’t want to cancel the New York trip. I just need to face my inner demons. I need to …No! I have to do this is so important to me I need to find a way to you.”
Gideon said “I will pray for you and your healing. Hopefully, you will see that I am a trustworthy guy. I will continue to talk with you. So we can get closer in a comfortable safe way. It’s imperative to me that you trust me and feel safe. You mean a lot to me in this short amount time.”
Jasmine determined “ I can work through this. I am going to work with Lisa to face some of these issues. I want to work on some of my drafts for the writer’s convention too. It’s late I am about to go to bed.”
“I hope to see you in my dreams Angel Jasmine. Sweet dreams.” said Gideon.
With that Jasmine turned off her computer. She was overwhelmed with extreme joy and extreme fear. She really needs to talk to Lisa now. She didn’t want to tell Gideon this, but she was really panicked about the idea of seeing Gideon. It’s something she has wanted for a whole year, but she didn’t feel emotionally ready to face. She feared rejection. She feared to discover what kind of man he really is so much going on inside. She tried to shake it off and she got ready for bed praying the whole time that Creator would lead her on her healing creative journey and that she would make the connection with Gideon in a healthy way. Jasmine didn’t trust her judgement in selecting men. While Gideon has been nothing but a gentleman she was afraid of the Jekyll and Hyde syndrome she met in other men who were kind on the surface and loving in the beginning, but later were backstabbing and violent. She didn’t think Gideon was violent at least he didn’t seem violent, but she couldn’t see any obvious flaws in him. She was very concerned about this whole arrangement.
She remembered having a conversation with Willow about it over lunch. She had talked to Willow about being attracting to Gideon awhile ago. Right away Willow snapped into the overprotective mode. Willow went on and on about all the creeps out in the world and how a girl has to be safe. Jasmine warned her over the perils of meeting a man off the internet. Willow went on and on about how dangersous that is. Willow went back to talking about Shane the hot Cherokee guy in the American Indian Studies that would stop the library just to talk to Jasmine. Jasmine told Willow he was nice, but she wanted to be in love and she didn’t want race to limit her. She wanted to love the man whatever race he was that the Creator sent to her. Willow went on about how great Native American are promoting her pride of her culture. “Willow I am half Celtic, what about that side of me?” asked Jasmine. Willow always lifted up Native American side because in her mind they needed more support. Jasmine said bluntly to Willow that she didn’t want to be in a relationship to be a native baby maker for her tribe she wanted to fall in true love. Willow sighed hard as if she couldn’t talk into any sense about Jasmine. Willow never understood Jasmine’s fascination with YouTube and she didn’t understand Jasmine’s open minded to other races. They were good friends, but some things they just didn’t see eye to eye about.
Jasmine was exhausted from all the high energy of the conversation. She wanted to go to bed right away. She felt the need to be centered so she pulled out her sage stick and began to smudge herself cleansing herself with the holy smoke of purification. She wanted the smoke to blow away all the fears she was experiencing that was rising up inside her. She was having a very hard time. All that she could think about was how her experience with her ex was so traumatic to her. He was definitely a charmer a person that could say all the smooth things to say. “Please Creator protect me from another man like my ex.” Jasmine started to cry. One hand she was overjoyed to be connecting with the man of her dreams for so long, but on the other hand she was also very afraid of this man. She was so used to getting her hopes up all her life that she was tired of being horribly disappointed. She used to believe in her exes so much. She used to think that they would never harm her and put all her trust into each and everyone of them. She kept thinking this time this time was the time that she will realize a positive relationship. Each time a tear in hope would rip a little deeper and deeper. “What’s wrong with me Creator? This is supposed to be the most happiest day of my life! I not only talked directly to the guy I have been longing for so long and saw his reactions to his face, he is interested in me and even wants to meet me! Right off the bat he is instantly attracted to me and my videos. He cares about us connecting. He knows I have been abused and he cares to be gentle with me. He sounds perfect. So why am I having a hard time accepting this beautiful gift that life has passed to me?”
With that Jasmine extinguished her sage stick. She quickly got ready for bed and began to climb into bed. She pulled her green leaved comforter up to her neck. She laid there for a moment thinking about Gideon and the way he talks. His warmth calmed her down and helped her to feel much more relaxed. She basked in the glow of his attention she soaked it up and she was happy to know more was going to come. She kept telling herself focus on the positive. Finally after some time Jasmine began to drift in the darkened room.
As Jasmine sunk deeper into a sleep that soon turned disturbed. She dreamnt of Gideon as this sweet kind self as he presented himself in Skype and in the videos. Then they turned into dark and twisted. “You think you are safe behind a computer. But wait. Wait until I meet you. You will trust me. You will let me get close to you and I will draw you in.” said Gideon in her dreams. The dream got darker and shadows appeared across Gideon’s face. “You will get closer to me and just when you think every is safe….” The scene turned grotesque and the whole face of Gideon turned contorted and twisted like a hideous monster. “I am going make you miserable, I am going to use you and abuse you. I am going to make you pay for even trusting me!” Gideon growled. “I am going to break you! Gideon in the dream manically laughed.
Jasmine bolt up gasping for air. Her fears of men have come to life not even Gideon was safe from her terrors. She had sweat pouring down her forehead and tearing coming down her eyes. Why oh why does her mind have to ruin such a beautiful thing. She was so upset and she didn’t know what to do about things. She was scared and she grabbed the phone by her nightstand and began to dial 211 first call for help. She waited through the automated message to get her turn. Finally after what seemed like forever a soft spoken woman answered the phone.
“211 First call for help. How can I help you?” asked the operator.
“I am interested in talking to someone.” Jasmine replied.
“Yes I am able to listen to you what seems to be the problem?” inquired the operator.
“I am a domestic violence survivor since I was a child because of my father and my boyfriend. I have post traumatic stress disorder and I was just having a nightmare. I just need someone to talk to help me to calm down. There is a new guy in I am interested in meeting in person and I met online and I always wanted to meet this guy. It’s like a golden opportunity and I don’t want to miss this chance forever. I have been following his online videos for a whole year and I was interested in talking to him finally so I risked reaching out to him, which was a huge step. And everything that was going great, he seems interested in me right away and he wanted to meet me, but ever since I got done talking to him I have been plagued by all sorts of fears. I tried to talk to myself that he’s a good guy and focus on the positive aspects of our conversation, but then I was experiencing this wretched nightmare. He was talking like he normally does, but as he kept talking he turned into this evil monster and was laughing wickedly at me at how he was going to destroy me. Seeing him change like that before my eyes and hearing his mean voice threatening, it just triggered me about all the times my father and my boyfriend lured me in by sweet talk and then their true ugly sides came out while they were hurting me. I am afraid that I picked the wrong guy. I am afraid that I am going to get myself beaten up again or worse if I open myself up to a “nice” guy again. This is really torturing me and it has been a recurring issue in my life. It was frustrating. Cause this guy has done nothing wrong to me, been a perfect gentleman and I don’t want to judge a guy because of my past.”
“So it sounds like that you have lost trust in men because of past abuse from your father and boyfriend. So you experienced a triggering nightmare at the prospect of getting closer to a guy you are attracted to.” said the operator.
“Yes that is exactly what happened. It’s like I don’t trust myself.” said Jasmine.
“Are you familiar with the women’s center? Inquired the operator.
“Yes, I actually have a counselor there. I was planning to talk to her tomorrow. I just wanted to talk to someone tonight to help me get back to sleep.” stated Jasmine.
“I was going to refer you to them, but apparently you are already hooked up with them. What are you going to do for the rest of the night?” asked the operator.
“Well I thought I would get up for awhile and do some light reading. I do feel better at least talking to you. I appreciate it. Thanks.” said Jasmine.
“Before you go do you mind I ask you some questions?” asked the operator.
“Sure.” said Jasmine.
“What is your age?” asked the operator.
“I’m 30.” said Jasmine.
“What is your zipcode?” asked the operator.
“ 53703” said Jasmine.
“Thank you. If you need to call back feel free to do so at anytime.” said the operator friendly.
“Thank you. Goodnight.” said Jasmine.
Jasmine hung up the phone. She knew that when she called 211 that they were there just to really listen and provide information and referrals, so she realized they weren’t going to give her advice, but still it was good to be heard. She felt relieved to hear a human voice which that alone she found healing her and she was great. Jasmine decided to get out of bed after she turned on the light and go into her living room. While she was there she decided to read over some poetry that Willow had written. They were rooted in Native American imagery very peaceful and spiritual. She had to admit that Willow was very strong in her path with the sacred ways. She admired Willow for her perseverance of spirit. Willow was very wispy and tall with long flowing black hair. She was full blood Indian and she was very proud of her lineage and very solid in her allegiance to her family and people. She believed in sovereign native nations and the red road which was the spiritual traditional Native American path. She felt very strongly about the presence of herself in native causes was a very strong warrior of native rights. Yet, through Willow’s poetry she could see Willow’s softer side as she painted beautiful serene pictures of nature. Jasmine was very happy to be reading the soothing words across the page caressing her dream ravaged mind. After awhile Jasmine was in a good place, good enough to attempt to sleep. Jasmine smudged one more time before bed and this time she got her medicine bag and put it around her neck to sleep with. Her medicine bag was made of black leather and simple but contained the blessings and prayers of her father Edgar. She also hung her dream catcher around the nail on the wall behind her bed for additional support. She laughed at herself and said she should have put this dream catcher up before she went on the bed before. She went to sleep and she was helpful to count her blessings and speak to her Creator.
“Creator, I need your help. I started down a healing path a long time ago but it seems in the area of domestic violence I need even greater healing. I found a guy name Gideon who is great and interested in me. He wants to meet me and I want to be able to connect with him. Help me to heal from past abuse. Help me to transcend my past and help me to clearly see Gideon for who he really is. Help me to heal in this area so I can truly participate in a healthy relationship. Thank you.”
Jasmine felt much more secure now. She knew she was going to see Lisa tomorrow. She then fell in to a deep sleep. She slept without further disturbances and she was grateful for that blessing. She then rested and she woke up eager to see Lisa before she went into work at the university. She went and put on her blazer and she then put on her red lipstick. She put on some turquoise earrings and she placed a long skirt and boots. She was out in her jeep driving down the street eating her breakfast sandwich she quick microwaved and went on her way. She reached the women’s center and entered the side doorway after she parked the car. She entered the entrance way and she was greeted by Lisa coming down the hallway at the same time.
“Jasmine how are you dong?” asked Lisa. She was a very friendly woman she wore a cable grey sweater and dark blue pants.
“I had a rough night last night Lisa.” stated Jasmine wearingly.
“Come into my office and we can go into much more detail privately.” said Lisa in an assuring voice.
Jasmine sat down the dark yellow cushioned chair across from Lisa. “What seems to be going on since the last time we talked.” asked Lisa.
“I have had the most amazing thing happen and a scary thing happen all at once. I have been pining for Gideon as you know for a long time. I just couldn’t bring myself to tell him, but I finally made the first contact and him and hit it off right away. But now he wants to meet me next month when he comes to New York from London. He is that interested already which caught me off guard cause I thought for sure it would be a slow process. But like I said we just seemed to connect with each other. He really got into my videos and watched them right away. And we talked on Skype. He knows I am a domestic violence survivor so things seem good. Meeting him in a public place is a good step. But I have been totally gripped in fear about meeting him. I haven’t been able to be calm about this ever since and I had this horrid dream about him being like Ralph and my Father a charmer on the outside, but deep down turning into someone terrible. I just don’t know. I mean Gideon is the man of my dreams and I have been spending a lot of time learning about him through his videos. I finally connected with him and I should be happy, why am I not happy?” asked Jasmine in frustration.
“I hear a lot of women who have been in traumatic situations like you Jasmine also experience flashbacks and dread when on the verge of taking steps to connecting with a man. I believe that is natural for someone with post traumatic stress disorder to experience. I know in the past you experience Father Hunger cause you lacked the positive interactions when you were young and growing up. I realize that during the last three years that you had a very positive experience with Edgar as your stepfather, but then he was taken from you very soon. Maybe it’s causing you to yearn for a father figure even more because of two major losses in father figures. And then your boyfriends have been almost replicas of your biological father. It’s as you are trying to recreate that void even though your experiences have been with negative attention with these previous boyfriends. You have been having a hard time with selecting healthy men. However, I must point out you haven’t been in any relationships for the last three years and you have indeed been working hard and making great strides on personal growth by taking care of yourself. By coming here. You are becoming more aware of the pattern of your life with men. You are expressing your fears with men. You are facing your fears with men. You have come a very long way Jasmine, I have even seen the changes in you since the time I have been working with you. It’s been quite astounding. I know this is hard for you but you will grow in self confidence in this situation because you have been basing your recovery on self love. Here is some handouts about creating a safety plan. Work on these preferably before you go to New York it’s okay to take care of yourself. Trust your self.” reassured Lisa.
“You the decision I made when I first decided to face my history with domestic violence was the best decision I ever made. Before that I suffered terribly in silence. I beated myself up emotionally because I couldn’t believe that I would actually pick a guy that was essentially my biological father. I can’t believe that I kept doing that time and time again. It’s been a very slow process trying to recover. I am hoping to snap out of the troubles with my biological father’s alcoholism. Going to that group to deal with my father’s alcoholism has transformed my life the most. I couldn’t believe how much an impact of recovery would be for my life. I am grateful for the fellowship of the group and the guidance that I have received being apart of it. I didn’t realize how much domestic violence and alcoholism were intertwined it was so hard to separate the two in my mind. I didn’t know how to address the problem with both in my life every thing seemed so complicated and I had a very hard time pulling them apart. Clearly, I learned I don’t have to categorize which incident was affected by which they were both intertwined.” said Jasmine.
“I know I totally seen an enormous shift since you have been going to that group too. I am impressed with how you threw yourself into the positive changes of your life. You didn’t seem to care about the time commitment, you invested heavily into your personal growth and prosperity. I am very proud of you Jasmine for putting your needs first. That’s exactly what you needed to do and it’s clear by the way the light has come on shining in your eyes that you have been successful in your recovery work.” said Lisa proudly.
“Yes it has been one knotted issue. I didn’t realize that I needed help even though I wasn’t living with an active alcoholic. That alcoholism is a family disease and I developed certain responses to all the terror and violence in my home. One of the books is targeted to adult children of alcoholics and I was totally amazed how this book keeps speaking to me. I don’t know if alcoholism caused the domestic violence in my family, all I know is that both were present.” said Jasmine sadly.
“I am glad you are getting help for the both. I am glad that you are taking care of your whole self. That’s what I couldn’t help you with here you were willing to take my referral and go to this group to get your other needs met.” complimented Lisa.
“It just seems so surreal that I have to though invest years towards healing like this. I often feel like I am behind everybody else and trying to dig out of this hole that at times never seems to have an end in site.” frustrated stated Jasmine.
“Yet you push forward and do the recovery steps. You didn’t let the enormous size of the issue hold you back. You put in the effort and the time on your recovery path and you continue to put that as central to your focus. That is huge. Give yourself credit for how far you have come.” said Lisa.
Jasmine shifted in her chair. “Okay. I have worked hard on my recovery. I deserve to take this calculated risk in pursuing my romantic dreams. I will work on this safety plan.” said Jasmine.
“Good work. I will be out of town for the next two weeks, but we can schedule a meeting for the following two weeks.” said Lisa.
“Okay that sounds like a good plan.” Jasmine looked at her calendar and penned in the next appointment and took the appointment card from Lisa and filed it in her black wallet with the rest of her business cards. “Thanks so much for listening to me Lisa. I don’t know what I would do without you.” said Jasmine.
“It’s my privilege to work with you Jasmine. I am seriously excited watching your healing progress and I would like to hear how things developed with Gideon in the next two weeks.” said Lisa.
“Great. Glad to see you then.” said Jasmine.
Jasmine left the women’s center confident and full of optimism that she was definitely on the right path. She was happy about that. She climbed into her jeep and went to the Women’s library where she was working a shift alone. Among the books of strong women she felt she was surrounded my supreme wisdom and support. Building a sisterhood among women was something important to Jasmine as it was part of her upbringing in her culture. She remembered all the women’s circles that got together to help empower women with the sage advice of grandmothers and mothers. She would sit with the other younger girls and listen to the stories of the Moon Lodge and women’s issues were very much a part of her healing process. She was very grateful for that time. That bonding and safety contrasted to the violence that was her upbringing. Among the women she felt safe and she felt that her place was in the Women’s Studies library as well as the American Indian Studies. She enjoyed her dual role at the university and she was happy to share her two passions with the university body of the rest of the campus.
Patrons came and went the library a lot seeking various sorts of information. The day was definitely busy and the time just flew by. She locked up after her shift was over and went to walking. She decided to go to her P.O. Box she had set up for her YouTube account. She has made friends around the world many with a passion for Native American culture and she was surprised at all the gifts she ever received. Many people loved to share their culture with her. A Chinese woman from Vietnam ended up mailing her a beautiful bracelet of wooden prayer beads. Another woman from Waukesha would consistently mail her beautiful cards that always came at the perfect time which lifted her spirit. And another woman from California who sent her a box of prayer cards and a matching CD to go with. She was blessed by these people. Today, she checked her box and was surprised to find a package from London from Gideon. It was just the other day that they talked on Skype he must have sent this package express mail before we talked. She brought the package in her car and drove home. She opened the door with the package held tightly under her arm. She decided she was going to go to her computer and record herself opening her package and posting it on YouTube for Gideon.
She turned on her computer and she clicked on her webcam software. The green light came on her webcam and she could see herself in her camera on her desktop. She hit the record button. 3, 2, 1 and on came the red record button.
“Hi I am Jasmine. And I wanted to post this video of this gift I surprisngly received from fellow YouTuber thunder_struck also known as Gideon and I wanted to show my response as I open it. So here we go. She started working on the tape and she fumbled with the package for awhile. She made a couple attempts at it and finally she was able to break through the packing tape and get the box open only to find another taped boxed. She put the outer box aside. “ I want to save the address because I wanted to be sure to send something back.” Jasmine smiled brightly into the camera. She fumbled on the second box of this well taped packaged. After she turned the box this way and that she finally got the box open. And in it were several gifts. Jasmine gasped in complete wonder and joy. First she pulled out a box of angel oracle cards. “Jasmine said these are actually my favorite ones I like the artwork, I have been meaning to get this deck for a long time.” Jasmine reached into the box she pulled out a stone and it said “Write it!” in big purple letters and inside the box was a mug with matching words. So she smiled big into the camera. “These are so precious you know how mcuh I want to develop in my writing and get published. I am so glad that you took the time to watch my videos and listen to me talk about that.” Then there was one more thing in the box and it was a necklace and it spelled out the words Archangel Raziel. At this point she gasped. Because not only was Archangel Raziel the angel that was her guardian angel it was what she strongly felt was the angel that was bringing Jasmine and Gideon together. Jasmine began to tear up in front of the camera. The man she admired for so long was finally reaching out to her and doing so in such a meaningful and profound way. “Gideon, this is such a beautiful way to connect with me. You surprised me so much you never mentioned you were sending a package and to receive it today was totally an immense blessing. I am touched and honored to know you. Bless you.” There was a long pause as Jasmine began to wipe the tears away from her eyes as she was caught up in the emotion of the moment. “I am going to put together a special package for you. Yours was so thoughtful and heartfelt. I want to put together something very special for you too. Thank you Gideon. I look forward the next time we get to talk.” said Jasmine as she turned off the recording. She put the video through Movie Maker editing software and then she added a soundtrack of playing the Native American flute to the video. She thought it might add a nice touch. She played back the video and the timing of the flute flowed well with the video. She was satisfied. This is going to be the first video she posts on YouTube for Gideon. Jasmine hoped he would enjoy it. She uploaded the video and edited the details. There the video was posted for all the world to see that Gideon appreciated her. What a huge gift he sent it was indeed thoughtful. Carefully she picked up the necklace with blue and purple beads with white letters and placed it around her neck. She got up and walked to the mirror and smiled at her reflection that she was grateful for the gift. It looked very good on her too. Raziel what are you up to she thought to her self? This beautiful mystery unfolding before seems unbelievable at times. She felt Raziel heavenly influences in the hand of the development of this relationship that was between her and Gideon. Gideon…sweet Gideon. This was turning out better than she thought it would and she was very grateful. She picked up the mug and took it into the kitchen and began to fill it with pomegranate tea from the refrigerator. She took a sip of this delicious sweet and fruity tea. Walking slowly she entered back to the computer and picked up the paperweight and placed it on her desk. Then she returned to open the box of the angel oracle cards. She wanted to know what her card for the day would be.
Jasmine removed the plastic around the box and carefully opened the purple box. Inside was a lovely purple satin bag and a book. Picking up the satin bag she could feel the weight of the cards themselves inside the bag. She opened the drawstrings and pulled out the deck. She opened them all at once taking in the beautiful artwork all at once. Lovely drawings of such beautiful crystalline colors they mesmerized her eyes. She was entranced. Picking up the deck she began to shuffle the deck as she shuffled she asked Creator what she needed to know about her and the man she loves. She cut the deck and she pulled the card Prosperity – Sachiel. She stared at the mystical woman with the captivating eyes on the card and she instantly felt that her and Gideon’s relationship would prosper and she would experience a lot of abundance. She noticed the divine eye that was watching her through the card and she felt the goodness was going to be flowing from the Creator to her and Gideon. She saw their partnership to be ideal and to be complementary to each other as they worked towards making their writing dreams happen. She strongly felt they would be successful and experience good fortune. Jasmine sighed and felt that would be very good experience. Then as she was putting back the card she uncovered right behind it was the Communication -Archangel Gabriel card and the Balance-Dokiel card right behind. Archangel Gabriel is great because he is the messenger of creative expression for artists…and artists are messengers themselves. She stared at the heart on fire radiating with green leaves. The third card balance had a yin and yang symbol on it the balance of male and female and was a soft drawing of a woman with pink flowers in her hair. The balance of the male and female through the friction of the opposites giving birth to life. So, her and Gideon by working through good communication and balancing the male and female in the relationship will prosper.
Jasmine picked up the three cards and placed them back together in the deck as she was slipping the cards back into it’s purple pouch. One card was rasied higher than others. She felt this was a message just for her. The card was Stillness-Cassiel. The message she received is that she has to clear some of the old before she could move to the next stage in her life with Gideon. She knew it was a process of surrender to the Universe. Thinking about it for awhile she knew that she couldn’t force the relationship with Gideon to form basically Jasmine would have to let everything go. She was indeed excited about Gideon being in her life for the email and conversation, the gift but she had to take some time to let some baggage go before next month. She wanted to do some time to go within before the New York trip. She needed to mentally prepare herself. She needed to talk to her friend Brian who should be back to his house by now too.
Jasmine grabbed her purse and went out to go to the Lake Monona. On her way out she grabbed her favorite notebook that had luscious candy colors and her favorite black pen with a neat grip. Slipping the pen in her purse she went out the door down the steps into her van. It was starting to get dark but she knew a cafe that was along the lake that she could go to and still get a great view of the lake. She put the key in the ignition and she started the car. Jasmine knew the greatest way to both prepare for the writer’s convention and go within was writing. She wanted to express the things holding her back from pursuing Gideon. She drove down the street and the sky was darkened now because it was fall. She ended up parking under the street lamp and walked into the cafe and made a bee line to the counter. Jasmine ordered from the menu a pot of orange ginger tea and had a pecan caramel bar. Then she proceeded to her favorite spot by the big window after she paid for her purchases. She placed her black purse on the table and pulled out her pen and then opened her notebook. She looked out at the lights shining in the darkness of the lake. She began to write stream of conscious writing.
“I don’t want to sabotage my relationship with Gideon. Sure all men even good men have flaws. However, I really don’t want to let my past block my ability to be in the present with Gideon. I know this is going to sound silly. I already feel more in love with Gideon than any other man I ever met yet I have never met him face to face. Is this just a fantasy I have of him, or is what is growing between us real? I feel in my spirit that a strong spiritual connection to him. Sure I dragged my feet to even say hello. I need to feel ready to say something to him. I wanted to be ready to open myself up to him. Sure when I watch his videos I am the one in control. I can start and stop the video anytime I want. I can select whichever video of his to watch, but when you start talking to someone you never know where it’s going through.
My biggest fear is that my own fears of men are going to overwhelm me and ruin a good relationship with Gideon. It’s hard when one carries deep pain in the inside of their heart for such a long time. It makes one vulnerable to the slightest wound. I am afraid I am going to have a kneejerk reaction at some point. I am afraid all the unexpressed anger I have towards men is going to erupt unexpectedly during the strangest moments. I don’t want the anger from my father and ex to rain down on Gideon. Sure Lisa and I have started working on releasing anger during the counseling sessions recently, but they’re pretty new. I have carried this injustice around for a very long time and it’s a heavy burden to carry. Creator, how can I surrender this enormous burden I have been carried for so long. I just want to surrender, but as you know I have a hard time letting go. I have a hard time letting you be in control. I don’t know what to do. It pains me so many times that I don’t feel like I am fully myself because of the trauma that happened to me. It’s very hard and I don’t know what to do about it. “ Jasmine sighed and looked up at the dark sky feeling enveloped in that darkness emotionally at that moment. Jasmine hated her past. She hated the experiences she had with her father and she hated the disappointing relationships she had in the past too. She valued a relationship with a man so much, but she didn’t know how to make a successful one happen. Gideon is a wonderful and yet intimidating prospect. He is interested, wanting to help her make their meeting in New York possible, but she wasn’t sure how she was going to interact with him. She had never been alone with him and she started to feel self conscious about herself. Jasmine struggled with her confidence with relationships. However, she had hope now could be the time she has a successful relationship. Now was the time to connect with Gideon the wheels were set in motion.
Jasmine didn’t want to lose herself though to Gideon’s dreams. She had a creative voice though her profession was in information. Not as developed in writing as Gideon made her feel somewhat inferior. He was published and out there. Jasmine was still struggling with drafts and she was feeling that maybe she would never truly be Gideon’s creative equal. She didn’t just want to be someone who assisted in Gideon’s dreams coming true. Jasmine craved a true creative partner in life and she wanted to develop the best she could. She didn’t know how to make that happen and it was struggling inside her heart. Jasmine wanted to be special in Gideon’s eyes. Jasmine wanted to hold her own voice. Gideon even had been on YouTube three years to Jasmine’s one year and she felt he was superior to her in that area too. Jasmine was good at research because of her library work, but she aspired to something greater than that. Was Gideon going to be her partner both romantically and creatively?
Jasmine felt that there was new beginnings forming in her life. She felt definitely that this is an aspect of her life experiencing new healing. Her relationship with men.She longed to talk to her friend Brian who could help her allow the power of love that is coming into her life. Brian would be an objective male figure to help her face her turmoiled feelings about men in general. Brain was one of the few male friends she had. She was her best male friend because she felt the safest with him and she knew he had a simple way of telling it like it is. So, Jasmine was about to call Brian when she heard a knock at the door. To her surprise a beautiful synchronicity occurred that brought Brian to her doorstep just in time when she as about to reach out to him. He was standing their with his black hair and black glasses and this amazingly happy smile bearing gifts. She gladly opened the door for him.
“Brian! You won’t believe this but I was just about to call you and here you are just in the nick of time.” laughed Jasmine.
“Honey you should know how I work by now!” chuckled Brian handing the package over to her in a big paper bag.
“I am not surprised you brought presents. I am so grateful to have you as a friend” Jasmine said as Brian was holding her. She broke down crying.
“Hey I was just gone for a month, but I am back now. It’s going to be okay.” soothingly said Brian.
“It seemed like forever you were gone. I know it was a good healing journey, but I terribly missed you.” sobbed Jasmine.
“I know it’s hard ever since you lost Edgar. You finally had a great male father figure in your life and he was robbed too soon from life from that drunk driver in the fatal car accident.” said Brian.
“Yes, he was the only man who I considered was my father and he was ripped from me too soon in life. I am still reeling from that experience. I want to reach out to him but it’s like I used to when he was alive and let it be like old days where we laughed, danced together in pow wows, sat in ceremony together. We were so close. I loved him dearly. I know he is alive in the spirit world, but when he left this world it was if a door was slammed shut in my face and locked from him. I finally had the type of father I always hoped for and now he is out of my life as if I called him on the phone he wouldn’t take my call because he is no longer a part of my life. He doesn’t know how important he was to me. You don’t realize how important it is to have you in my life the older brother that I never had before. I think of you like family.” cried Jasmine.
“Believe me I know little sister. We are bonded in a way that time will never erase and you have to see Edgar connected to you in the same ways. Spiritual relationships are much stronger than blood relationships in many cases.” said Brian.
“Brian you are so right. I can’t believe I sometimes fall for the illusion of death. I just dreamnt of Edgar the other night. It was so real and I am really happy about that. I wanted to hold onto him though you know. Hold onto him and never let go.” said Jasmine as she was moving around the table. She carefully set the paper bag on the table and then pulled out a chair proceeding to sit down. “Oh where’s my manners. Let me go get your some blackberry tea.” So she proceeded to put a white ceramic kettle on the oven and began to heat the water. She started setting the tea bags in two rose colored cups. Very cute. Then she returned to her brother who was already sitting down. jasmine was starting to calm down.
“You Jasmine you have really lost alot in your life. It’s understandable why you want to hold onto people and not let go. You cling to me, but I understand that because I know your past. But other men may not understand that about you. When you lose two fathers the way you did it’s easy to see how you want a father figure in your life as a partner. I was in the sweat lodge ceremony and I knew I needed to come to you, because I saw you clearly in the sweat. I felt you were undergoing a healing in the relationship area, that you would be healing further your relationship with men. I saw you in a bright red light surrounding your entire being. Your heart radiated this like beacon. All of a sudden it shot right out of you like lighthouse light and in the distance it shined a gentle looking man who I never met before. When the red ray from your heart connected with his, it activated his heart light which was bright white lights and it merged with the light of your heart and between the two of you was this enormous burst of pink light that engulfed the both of you. Then there were all these sparks radiating from this pink burst and it became a magnet and all of a sudden it magnetized and drew you closer together and then you both embraced in a passionate embrace and began kissing. Your power that connected the two of you was that of your deep spiritual connection. I believe this man is your soul mate Jasmine.” with deep intensity said Brian.
Brian has always been dead on whenever he shared spiritual insights. Jasmine mesmerized stared at him for a long moment. “Brian remember that guy Gideon that I have been talking to you about. Well I finally reached out to him and him and I finally hit it off. He wants to meet me next month for the East Coast Writer’s Convention in New York city. He already sent me the most beautiful package that expressed his sense of care and beauty he has for me.” said Jasmine.
“That must be him, because it’s someone who I strongly feel is in your life that is going to be getting alot closer to you. I feel it’s this huge shift. That is great that you finally found the courage for yourself to take that step to reach out to him. There will be time with him and some intimacy. I also get the feeling that the both of you are going to do creative work together that it will be financially profitable. I am feeling really good about this guy. Like I said I was deep in prayer in the lodge and then you appeared as clear as day it was a very powerful vision. You trust me Jasmine don’t you?” asked Brian.
“I trust you Brian more than any other man I know. It’s I have been experiencing alot of fear about getting close to Gideon. You know that I have had such a hard time trying to get close to men. My track record with relationships is horrific. I struggle with things all the time. I don’t know how to deal with it on my own sometimes. Thanks to my counselor Lisa I have come so far, but I am not sure my picker is fixed yet.” inquired Jasmine.
“I strongly believe with a the spiritual and emotional healing you have been doing it’s about time now for you to experience a positive romantic relationship now. I do feel that shift for you. It’s like your ready to work alongside positive male energy to make new things happen.” said Brian.
“It’s hard for me to trust that though Brian when my experience in romantic relationships have been so extremely negative. I feel that I reached alot in recovery enough that the circumstances in my life have changed. I really feel better about my life,I do.lt‘s just that I have doubts.” said Jasmine.
“Well that’s understandable, but really are you going to let these fears and doubts hold you back from the greatest opportunity ever?” inquired Brian.
“I think I need to take this calculated risk to see where it leads me.” asked Jasmine.
“Jasmine this is leading to home.” stated Brian in a matter fact sort of way.
“Home is where the heart is they say. If I can find that kind of man I want to see this through. I have to go to New York.” declared Jasmine.
“Good that explains the gifts I was given on your behalf. I had a tremendous personal healing experience on this journey. The other men there had so many teachings that were totally synchronious.l was constantly being blown away. Not only did I receive information that I can bring back to my tribe, but I can also help you little sister.” he smiled broadly.
Brian motioned her to open the bag. Inside the bag were two things. First, Jasmine pulled up a pendleton blanket of fire colors that were rolled up into one. She carefully unrolled the bundle. Brian said this is a bundle to help awaken the fire from within. I was told it was going to go to someone who had been beaten down by life. Instantly,I knew that I was to deliver this sacred bundle for you. It’s to be put on your altar. It’s been put together by the elders to help someone who’s inner fire has been almost been extinguished. This has been blessed in many ceremonies and passed down to people who need it the most. I was instructed to give this bundle who fit this description and I mentioned your name and they agreed that was the proper person to carry on with this sacred bundle. ” Brian said.
Jasmine was speechless with reverence. She knew that it was powerful medicine the sacred herbs and stones put together and prayed over by survivors. She could feel the intensity of the prayers and healing through everything she touched. Then she reached in the bag for the second bundle and inside was a medicine bundle with white buckskin with white, red, and blue beadwork. “I made this medicine bag there when I was praying for the people. Jasmine you have kept hope in your life despite the harshest circumstances. You inspire me and I want you to know when you where this medicine bag I want you to know that I am protecting you. I watch over you as if you were my flesh and blood sister. Your family Jasmine.” he stood up and went towards her to embrace her in a bear hug.
Jasmine began to cry again. Grateful for this man who is embracing her as family.She nestled her head into his chest and she wept tears of gratitude. They held each other for a long time. “Despite the scars you are still pure loving soul. ” Jasmine squeezed tighter in these arms of safe haven. She felt the healing from the bundle and Brian washing over her. She felt blessed. Jasmine remembered all of a sudden and stood up and said “I have something for you too.”
Jasmine left the room and came back with a bright red box handing it ceremoniously to Brian. Brian beamed. “Jasmine you didn’t have too!”
“yes I did.” replied Jasmine.
Brian opened the lid of the box inside to find a white and blue beaded medallion so beautiful that is so graciously made. “I made that for you while you were gone.” remembered Jasmine for the beadwork she made last month. She was very happy for her work to go to some she dearly loved and care about.
Brian looked at the medallion and sure enough was the eight pointed star that was Jasmine’s signature on her beaded medallions. “This was absolutely fabulous!” exclaimed Brian.
Jasmine beamed proudly. She was happy to have her handiwork received so well. She was glad she followed her instincts to make the beaded medallion in light of receiving the sacred bundle and medicine bag. She prayed alot with every stitch praying for him to be safe and protected she loved him so much. They hugged each other again. Then Brian started to sway from side to side. They finally released just as the hot water started to whistle.
Jasmine walked over to the kitchen stove and began pouring hot steaming water into the cups and she felt that she was making a lot of headway in this healing discussion. She brought over carefully the hot cups of blackberry tea. She placed a cup by Brian and then she set a cup down by her side and sat down. She carefully placed the medicine bag blessed by Brian around her necklace and looked up to notice that he already placed the beaded medallion around his neck already. She smiled at him as he looked great with her necklace on. Now they each had something wear that came from the other. She was grateful for that and was happy to be connected that way.
Brian took a sip of his tea straight and kept talking about his healing journey. He talked about the many men that were there and a couple Jasmine even knew about. Jasmine thought to herself it’s been awhile since I have been to a women’s circle. She wanted to take the opportunity to go to one she knew of this week. She was excited about the healing opportunities that were presenting themselves to her. Brian went on about his trip home and how he saw an elk in the distance. Jasmine liked the healing medicine of elk.
Jasmine and then talked late in the evening about things in general. They laughed alot and just had a good time talking later on the couch. Before long it was midnight and Brian needed to go home. She was truly blessed today by Brian and his gifts and she felt good that she could reciprocate in kind. It was very sweet of Brian to come when he did. Brian got up and was ready to go,” Now remember what I said about Gideon, and let go of your past and embrace your future!” said Brian.
“Okay, I will trust you.” smiled Jasmine.
Brian and Jasmine hugged and Brian kissed Jasmine on the forehead and then turned opened the door and headed down the stairs. Jasmine watched him under the moonlight get in his car and drive away.
Jasmine went to put away the tea cups and washed them and put them in the strainer. She then turned and went to get ready to go to bed and got into her favorite pajamas. Going to the kitchen she went to the table and picked up the sacred bundle and started to go to her bedroom where she kept her sacred bundle. She laid everything out and arranged them in a beautiful fashion. Jasmine began to say her prayers.
“Creator I am going to try my best. I know and am confident that you selected the right romantic partner for me and I want to take a calculated risk on Gideon. You even spoke to Brian about me and Gideon and sent him this wonderful message and sacred healing bundle and medicine bag to give to me it’s absolutely wonderful.l am so blessed to have a loving brother like Brian watching out for my best interests and it’s been absolutely glad that things go wonderful. Thank you Creator for sending me a positive male relationship with my brother Brian. Sometimes I don’t realize what a power that is to have a healthy male energy in my life. I also am grateful I have a strong women’s circle to go to help me to heal. I am feeling blessed by this and it’s been wonderful. Gideon is worth to seeing this through. I know my having problems letting go of the past is a real challenge, and healing is a process. But I am confident that you are speaking to me and Brian about the importance of Gideon in my life. I believe. I am grateful for all the wonderful things that are happening in my life. I am blessed woman.Thank you for always walking with me.” said Jasmine over the altar.
Jasmine then climbed into bed and she pulled her green leafy comfortable comforter over her. And went to sleep. Jasmine was walking in a field by a forest in her dream. She was looking in the distance and saw someone walking to her. It was her biological father. He had sadness in his eyes. Jasmine’s first instincts was to want to step back but she stood still. She had a hard feeling in the pit in her stomach.
Jasmine watched him very carefully, her father had tears in his eyes. Head was hanging low and she felt his sadness. “I never meant to put you and your mother through everything that I did.” he held his head in shame.
“Why are you here? Can’t you see the damage that you have done to me? I am so scared of men because of growing up with you!!” angered said Jasmine.
“I am so sorry. Sorry for everything. Sorry to see you are still paying the price for my mistakes.” He looked at her earnestly.
“I spent a ton of my life trying to recover from you. I got so twisted I kept picking men like you!” yelled Jasmine.
“I know! I see it all from here. I see the consequences of every action. I see the fallout on you. It tears me to pieces to see you suffer all of the time. It hurts me tremondously. It’s very difficult for me to be your father know the damage I have caused.” said her father.
“You know all this so why are you coimng to me now?” asked Jasmine.
“I am coming to you because you have a golden opportunity with Gideon and I don’t want you to let the baggage with me hold you back. You need to pursue this,but in order for it to work you have to let the baggage go.” persisted her father.
“I have forgiven you a thousand times already. That’s the main point of all this healing work. ” declared Jasmine frustrated.
“yes I know you have begun the forgiveness. But forgiveness is a process Jasmine. You are willing to forgive me which opens the door for us to be even talking. But you are holding onto the past too much. You need to let it go and be in the present moment.”instructed her father.
” I am trying. I just have such a problem with letting go.” said Jasmine sadly.
“Ask Creator to help you to let go.” said her father.
“Creator help me to let go.” asked Jasmine. A lightning bolt struck the tree behind her father just like the library. Her father smiled for the first time in this dream. “Your relationship with Creator is very strong. I am proud of you Jasmine. Go live your life to the fullest.”
For the first time Jasmine didn’t want her father to go. She didn’t completely trust not even in the dreamworld. But she sensed his spirit was sincere. He wanted her happy with Gideon and he believed by letting go of the past would help her reach that level. She needed to learn how to let go. As silly as that sounds it sounded so simple, but it was very strange. It sounded like a very basic ability to have. She had to not give up on herself or her dreams. She needed to believe that things were going to get better. She asked for Creator’s help in letting go and she needed to trust that Creator would help her to let go.
Jasmine got dressed in a simple blue dress and decided to go into the American Indian Studies library early. She proceeded to do her work early and she was grateful when Willow came into the room. Jasmine shared her visit with Brian and her dream about her father. She was working hard to get better. And she wanted to pursue that for as long as she could. Jasmine asked Willow about the women’s circle tonight and wondered if it was still going on. “Oh yes we are going to be at Kathy’s house working on the moon circle. Just remember to bring a dish to pass.” said Willow.
Jasmine then helped a group of grad students who wanted to learn more about the history of American Indian tribes of Wisconsin for a presentation they were doing. She retrieved some very helpful resources including some visual aids to show them. The group was very grateful for her help and she was feeling blessed to have a job that would share the knowledge of her people with others. She was a part of the living traditions.
Willow and Jasmine left together and were very happy to be going to spend the night. They both decided they were going to pick up sandwich fixings from the local deli.She was grateful. That they could be sisters in the circle for the night. She was glad to pick up the deli meats, bread, and sides. She was glad to see Willow pick up her favorite dessert bars. Together they each got into their cars and went to Sara’s house. Sara lived in an upper flat. She had a bright yellow kitchen a dining room and a living room with royal blue carpeting.
Joy, Maria, and Ann soon arrived and everybody spent the time catching up and then they laid out a wonderful spread of food and began to pray to bless the food and then they all decided to eat. There was alot of merriment and seconds. Fall is a good time for a feast. There were rounds of laughter. She was having a great time and she was striving to do her best to be in the moment.
Finally,came time to sit around the circle on the dining room carpet. Sara is African America led this circle of mutli-cultural women. Jasmine and Willow are both Native American, Joy is Jewish, Maria is Mexican, and Ann is a Polish. All these women bring something special and unique to the circle. Sara started off with an opening prayer, each woman took turns. Finally, it was Jasmine’s turn she shared her experiences with Gideon, Brian, and her dream with her father. She said “I don’t know how to let go.”
Now the whole not being able to let go and how to let go led the group into cross talking on the subject after the circle was closed.
Ann with grey hair said ” Well I also have a very hard time letting go. One day my mother listened to me talking about having problems letting go. She went and took a pencil and placed it in the palm of her hand and then she said “This is how you let go.” She turned her hand over 180 degrees and the pencil naturally feel and hit the ground by the sheer force of gravity. Having a visual like that really helped me. So whenever I come across a situation I just visualize my mom and the pencil falling from her hand.”
Maria who was dark skinned and medium length black hair said ” Well I have had alot of issues about baggage too. I too am a domestic violence survivor just like Jasmine. I often use the phrase. “Let go. Let God.” Basically you have to give the problem to God so He can work on it and fix it. “
Willow said with her long black hair said “When we do a cleansing ceremony like smudging or sweat lodge it’s to help detoxify our bodies but also to release negative energy. I just imagine the smoke from the sage purifying my being. “
Sara in her braids pulled back said “Alot of African American people don’t know their genealogy because of slavery, including myself. So I like many others in my situation just try to move on the best we can building a life in the present.”
Joy with her blonde flowing hair said “Whenever I want to let go I just place my closed fisted hands out and open my palms upward to heaven to let God take away my woes. I have done that many times and for me it works.”
Jasmine said “I have heard many of these things, but for some reason I struggle with letting go. Maybe I am just scared to face my future.”
Ann said “I sometimes wonder that about myself. I think that you this world is wonderous and wonderful and if all you know growing up is crisis, it’s as if you get used to crisis if that’s all you ever know.” She reflected for a moment. “Good feelings can be uncharted territory to explore.”
Maria said. “Jasmine this Gideon guy sounds like a really interesting guy to meet. You have been following the guy for a whole year. It’s wonderful. I hope you can make a real connection.”
Joy exclaimed. “Jasmine it’s exciting you have this opportunity coming up. I am more than happy for you and I want the best for you. Conference will be a nice public place for you to meet. You will be happy knowing you took the chance. Take the chance and see where it goes.
All the women started nodding and shaking their heads in agreement.
You’re holding onto is all this pain and suffering that no longer serves you. You need to just cut it out of your life and don’t look back. Keep moving forward!’
“It sounds so simple.” said Jasmine.
“It is.” said Joy “Hey how about all of us get out the drums and rattles and do a drumming session together.”
All of the them got together and held a great rhythmic drumming session and they were able to make every thing seem so simple and easy thought Jasmine to herself. Just to let everything go. Just release the pain and suffering that no longer serves me Creator. She was pleased at how she was feeling so much lighter. She was doing great at telling her story, but she felt it was going to shift as she processed all of these tense situations. The rising sound of vibrating voices lifted as they sang and drummed in unison for healing. Releasing and embracing everything that was going on in their life. She was having been swept in the beats of the moment.
Later Jasmine helped with cleaning up as they processed and went through everything that they were meant to go through. The food was almost all eaten up so it was easy to clean up. She threw away the garbage and she was happy to be contented and well connected through the night. Then it was time for everybody to say goodbye and the time went by really fast. She was pleased how things flowed that night. She left Sara’s house after thanking her for being the host and Jasmine said she would like to be a host someday.
Jasmine went to bed exhausted from all the excitement. She decided to go onto her computer. She went looking for Gideon but she could not find him. He must be very busy.
She was sad because she was hoping to hear from him. Just then he came on Skype.
“Hello Jasmine.” said Gideon.
“Hi Gideon.” said Jasmine.
“How are you.” asked Gideon.
“I am doing alright. How are you?” asked Jasmine.
“I saw your beautiful video that you made for me opening your gifts. It was such a great idea because I was able to see the expression on your face.” said Gideon. “I want to reciprocate by giving you a private reading.” said Gideon smiling.
Jasmine smiled back. “ That would be great.!”
Gideon got out his angel deck and began shuffling his cards. “I pray to the Creator that Jasmine hears what she needs to know.” said Gideon.
Finally, Gideon selected three cards. He selected four cards “Prayer – Archangel Sandalphon, Awakening- Archangel Jeremiel, Emotion-Phuel, and Divine Love-Chamuel.”
“Okay, you have been praying for true love for a very long long time. You are a deeply spiritual woman. I see you walking with tobacco in your hands as you walk deep in prayer. You are seek a relationship that is rooted deep in spiritually. I strongly feel that your traditions serve you well and are the foundation of your spiritual being. You talk to the Creator all the time. You have a very open crown chakra indicating to me this deep connection with the divine. You sought to be open to receive during the right time. The time is right now. You have an open heart and are willing.” said Gideon holding up the peaceful card of prayer.
Gideon picks up the second card rich in color and it’s the Awakening card – Archangel Jeremiel. “Jasmine you are right now in the present going through the throes of awakening. I strongly believe that exploring your writing and going to the writing conference is part of your awakening process. I also believe that our connection you and I is part of your awakening process. I always dreamnt of connecting with a creative person like you and to know we share writing as part of our creativity is especially powerful. I believe we both our falling our creative calling and they are leading us to each other. I think getting to meet each other in a couple of weeks is part of the awakening process. Jasmine I have never felt the way I do since I have met you. You are something really special and I want to get closer to you. I want to be part of your creative unfolding.” explained Gideon.
Jasmine nodded, “I feel the same way about you. It’s like I knew there would be positive changes coming into my life. I could feel this amazing shift ever since the lightning bolt struck the tree at the library in front of me. Such powerful changes were coming. I know working in the library field has been meaningful but pursuing my creativity is like my soul’s calling and I get energized when I pursue that avenue in a way that I never have been able to get through in any other way. Just the fact I am talking to you and going to be soon meeting you is life altering I can totally feel it and it’s been wonderful. I feel like a part of me is waking up to itself at the same time your the key.”
“Yes. I believe we are each the key for each other.” Gideon sets down the awakening card and then he picks up the third card Emotion- Phuel. “This card I am caught up staring at the deep blue waters and the moon in the sky. I believe this process of finding your true self and connecting with me someone who understands your desire to unlock creatively will make it a very emotional time for you. I know facing your fears of men to meet me must be challenging. Working through forgiveness of your previous attackers could bring healing to your heart. I know I am getting very emotional about the prospective of seeing you. The future is going to be healing emotionally and it will stir new emotions. I feel strongly about that.” said Gideon looking at the card again.
Gideon picked up the fourth and last card. Divine Love-Archangel Chamuel. “This card is the outcome card of the other three. Through the prayer, awakening, and emotions will be born divine love. I have strong feelings towards you Jasmine and I haven’t even personally met you yet. I feel spiritually you are fascinating and I want to get close to you. I believe we bring divine love to each other. You have been following me for a whole year, that is dedication and I believe divine love. I have to meet you that is too divine love. We are connected Jasmine. I have been hoping for a special connection like this. I have been having dreams of us meeting in a park and sitting on a bench in the sunlight. We just laughed and talked as if we knew each other before so connected. I was grateful to have the opportunity to be with you it felt good and it felt right. I was so happy in that dream. I am so happy right now doing this reading for you. I am happy you are in my life Jasmine.” said Gideon.
Jasmine blushed, “It’s an immense blessing to have you in my life Gideon. I am really looking forward to seeing you. I cleared my schedule for the conference and purchased airplane tickets. I have my hotel room secure at the conference. I am in room 333.”
Gideon was shocked, “I am in room 334! That’s amazing we are right next to each other. I am very happy you are all set. I am too. I am really looking forward to seeing you too Jasmine.”
Jasmine said “We are going to be neighbors. I am happy about that. Well it’s getting late. I need to go to bed to see the day. I am going to see my counselor Lisa tomorrow.”
Gideon said “Good then you can discuss your fears to seeing me. I know you expressed concerns before about it. I am glad you are taking care of yourself.”
Jasmine said. “ Yes I have been seeing Lisa for quite some time. She has been helping me a lot to move forward in my life. It’s been very good.”
Gideon said “ Yes taking care of yourself is very important. Take care and sleep well.”
Jasmine said “Yes you have a good day.”
With that Gideon signed off. Jasmine was feeling in a good mood decided to check her email before she went to bed. She had the normal stuff in her inbox. However, she received an email through her MySpace from her ex Ralph. She was shocked because she hadn’t talked to him in 13 years and hadn’t thought about him in a long time. She panicked as she read how he stated he had been watching her videos and began to talk about a details from one of her video. It was a brief email, but it sent her into a panic. Sure she knew anybody would be watching her videos, but she didn’t realize that he would be reaching out to her and directly contacting her. She felt scared because she wasn’t sure what he wanted from her. She didn’t know if he would come after her. She was very upset by this. How dare he contact her after everything he had done to her. The last time she had contact with him he had beaten her up. She thought after she fled that it would be finally over and she thought that she didn’t have anything to do with him. She was afraid to report him because she feared that he would retaliate against her. She was quite upset now. Not ready to sleep. Thank Creator that she had an appointment tomorrow to talk to Lisa.
She sat at her bench by the darkened window and stared outside. In her mind she played back the entire relationship with her ex including being beaten. She felt at the time he was her soulmate they met in highschool. She thought he was very handsome and she liked that he was Native American. They dated for a short time and then ended up moving in together. Probably too soon. They started a life together. She thought he would always be there for her. She believed that they would build a family something she dreamed about a lot. Jasmine thought she picked up a good mate, but things started to turn ugly when he began to drink and he pushed her down to the ground once. She wished she had someone stronger than him to defend herself against him. She didn’t know if that was domestic violence though she always thought it was domestic violence if it were punching which he hadn’t done yet. Jasmine had a hard time trying to wrestle the feelings she had when she learned that Ralph had cheated on her five years into their relationship. Jasmine had been focusing on her schooling in Madison. When she learned Ralph had gotten her friend pregnant she could not take anymore. It was a disastrous night when she confronted him. He was smug with power acting as if he could say or do whatever he wanted without consequences. Jasmine yelled they were through. Ralph replied it was through when he said it was through. Jasmine stood there in disbelief he expected her to stand by him as he goes back and forth between two women? It was insanity. Pure insanity. Jasmine for a moment thought about putting up with this sick arrangement because she was afraid to be alone. She couldn’t believe her dreams of family were crashing down around her. She was having a hard time grasping the situation. She suddenly found herself yelling “No! I am not going to take this!” She was about to turn…when she saw this horrid look of rage on the face of Ralph and then saw his fist flying through the air towards her face. It happened so fast that she couldn’t even use basic self defense moves to block the blows. He just came at her in total rage. The look of evil on his face. He wailed on her face over and over and over. Jasmine became so dizzy she couldn’t stand and fell to her knees. He wouldn’t stop. She was down and he kept after her kicking her over and over in the stomach. It was horrendous. A terrifying and extremely painful ordeal. Ralph looked like he snapped out of a dream in horror and reached out to her and she yelled “Get away from me.” Ralph then left and left her to crawl to her bedroom. She hid in her bedroom for a very long time healing. At one point she went to the bathroom and looked at the monster that reflected back from her distorted and extremely swollen left side of her face. Her eye had blood in it. It was very scary for her. She was afraid to go anywhere that Ralph would find her. After her face healed she couldn’t bring her life in order. Jasmine suffered a break down and was assigned a case worker who whisked her away from Ralph into a new life in a women’s residence. Slowly but surely Jasmine tried to rebuild her life. Later, word had it that Ralph was in another part of the country which seemed to give her a false sense of safety, but it did nothing to calm the inner pain she now had. She was diagnosed with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.
Jasmine gave up for a long time the idea of a soulmate. She found herself in a string of relationships that were heart breaking dead ends. She had a hard time with everything that happened with her past relationships. Jasmine had high hopes about Gideon though. Even though they lived miles apart she was hoping to build a positive relationship with Gideon. She really hoped that things would gel between them when she met. She sighed. Jasmine was tired of her aimless wondering among men she wanted something substantial. Maybe Gideon is the soul mate she has been looking for all along. It was past midnight and Jasmine was getting sleepy so she retired to bed.
During the night Jasmine did not sleep at all. She tossed and turned in writhing pain as in her dreams she relived the last time she was with Ralph. Over and over she felt the blows hitting across her face. She saw flashes of herself looking in the mirror at her grotesquely distorted face. Tears began falling as Jasmine unsuccessfully slept. Abruptly she woke up crying and she hated Ralph for writing her almost terrorizing through the internet by his mere presence. She was fed up with how much power she had given Ralph over her life she had to give up on this madness.
Dawn did not come soon enough. Tiredly Jasmine got dressed and headed out the house to go to her appointment with Lisa. She also decided to call into work and take the day off. She needed to practice excellent self care. Fed up with all the garbage her ex dredged up with her she entered the women’s center with a chip on her shoulder.
Lisa warmly greeted Jasmine. “Oh Jasmine you look exhausted are you okay?”
“No.” declared Jasmine.
“Come let’s talk about it.” said Lisa
Jasmine followed Lisa into her office and she was having a bad day. Lisa closed the door and sat down. Jasmine was already sitting.
“What’s been going on?” inquired Lisa.
Jasmine recounted the dream and the letter from Ralph that triggered. After she was done going over the details she broke down crying.
Lisa went and grabbed the Kleenex.
Jasmine yelled “I know he didn’t directly threaten me, but how dare he even talk to me after what he did!”
Lisa said “It must feel extremely uncomfortable having confirmation that he is watching your videos.”
Jasmine exclaimed, “I am not letting him cause me to take away my videos on YouTube, it’s my creative outlet. I am afraid of him stalking me again like he did when I was at the women’s residence.”
Lisa asked, “Have you worked on your safety plan?”
Jasmine said, “I started, but I need more time. I feel so bad I never reported what happened. Like I am a coward.”
Lisa said, “You practiced self preservation.”
Jasmine said relieved, “Yes I did.”
Jasmine started going over details of her safety plan and she started to feel reassured that she was able to take steps to take care of herself. Jasmine came up with a plan to escape her home if necessary, to keep her keys in a designate place in the event she has to leave right away, she notified her neighbors about the situation and to notify authorities if there are suspicious sounds, her code word to family and neighbors was “Today is my cousin Maggie’s birthday” and she doesn’t have a cousin Shirley in the event she can not talk freely. In the case of emergency she planned to go to a local police station.. Also she plans to keep copies of important documents in the event she can not return home. She already knows that the local women’s center is her domestic violence program she entered their crisis line in the phone. Jasmine decided to leave a extra set of clothes at a friend’s house. If Jasmine returns the home she can have police on safety standby. Jasmine decided to install a panic button in her home in the event that Ralph would decide to show up. Lisa informed relationship violence is the number one form of death at the workplace. So, Jasmine decided to inform her boss and co-workers about the situation with Ralph. She was going to make sure that the security will walk her out to her car. Jasmine then listed Willow as a friend she could turn to emotional support if she needed to. These steps helped Jasmine to feel more in control of her situation. Lisa supported her creative pursuits and encouraged her goal to meet Gideon. She was starting to feel more control of her life and she was happy about that. Jasmine started to feel hopeful that she has moved on with her life and she can expect to experience good things.
Jasmine thanked Lisa and left the women’s center feeling more empowered. She left there with her safety plan outlined. Jasmine relieved got in her car and began to drive in circles just to clear her head from the session from working on the safety plan with Lisa. She didn’t like to have to come to extremes to think about things like that. She was relieved that things were being dealt with though. Jasmine worked hard to get her life the way she liked it she didn’t want to let Ralph come in and ruin it. Wherever he was. Jasmine just realized that she didn’t know exactly where he was. Which state. Which city. He could be in Madison or somewhere in Wisconsin. He could be in a far away state. Jasmine thought she would have to be more careful about the things she revealed about herself on her YouTube channel. Jasmine didn’t want to announce that she was going to the East Coast Writer’s Conference. She didn’t want to lead him to her there or let him and the whole world know that she was going to be home. Jasmine was already careful about not mentioning her favorite spots to go to in Madison, WI because she didn’t want to encourage his or anybody else’s stalking. Such a world we live in she thought to herself that precautions were so necessary to take.
Jasmine decided to go to the White Wolf Native American store to purchase items for Gideon. She went inside and began to the shelves looking for the right things for Gideon. First she selected a turquoise silver belt buckle to give to Gideon. She saw a small sweet grass basket that she liked as well as selected braids of sweet grass to purchase for Gideon. She also included a bolo tie and a turtle rattle. She purchased a native sunset card and made it out to Gideon with a sweet note. Before it was wrapped up Jasmine included a beaded medallion that she made of a turtle inside the box. She had the clerk wrap everything up. Jasmine paid for her purchase and then addressed the package to Gideon. She hoped that Gideon would appreciate the package of Native American gifts. She then drove to the post office and stood in a short line to get the postage paid for on the package. She was happy to be sending a gift to London for Gideon.
At home Jasmine sent a quick note on YouTube to Gideon to let him know that the package was coming. Jasmine was excited that Gideon was going to receive her very own bead work that she had worked on during the summer. It was colors of white and various shades of green. She worked very hard on it and she was glad such a special person like Gideon was going to receive it. Jasmine was tired so she decided to take a cat nap with Midnight. She picked up a the throw on the edge of the bed and through it over herself. The waves of content were washing off her when the phone rang. Jasmine crawled out of the bed to answer the phone.
“Hello?” asked Jasmine.
“Hello Jasmine.” said Brian. “How are you doing?”
“I am doing okay. How are you?” asked Jasmine.
“I am just checking on you.” said Brian. “Is everything alright with you?”
Jasmine explained the whole issue with Ralph writing to her recently and how that impacted her. She was having a hard time with the situation, but she did say that she was talking to a domestic violence counselor named Lisa and they together came up with a safety plan for the first time.
“I am glad you are taking care of yourself. That guy was total bad news and wasn’t good for you at all. “ declared Brian.
“I agree with you. I am upset I fell for him in the first place. I need to move away from that.” said Jasmine.
“I just wanted to touch base with you I was feeling concerned for you know I know why. So I am glad I did check in with you. I am going to South Dakota for a special ceremony hosted by my friend Chuck. I just wanted to know you were taken care of before I left.” said Brian.
“Just I am okay I just needed to take extra care of myself more closely. I am still wearing your medicine bag.” said Jasmine proudly.
“Good I am glad for that. Keep wearing it whenever you get down or sad remember I am always with you in spirit.” said Brian.
“Okay will do that. Take care. Have a safe trip Brian.” said Jasmine.
“Alright I will take care. Love you. Bye.” said Brian.
“Love you too Brian. Bye.” said Jasmine.
Jasmine then hung up the phone. It was dark outside. She decided to light some cinnamon candles and read a good book. Just then the phone rang again.
“Hello?” asked Jasmine.
“Hi Jasmine it’s Willow.” said Willow. “Are you alright it’s not like you to call in.”
Jasmine explained the whole ordeal with Ralph and having to create a safety plan. She expressed she didn’t know where Ralph was.
“Jasmine it’s going to be okay. You need to believe the Creator is looking out for you. You will be okay. Just make sure you have the security guard to escort you out each time you leave the library.” insisted Willow.
“Yes that is already part of my safety plan.” said Jasmine. “Thank you for being so concerned I am very grateful to have you as a friend. How are you doing?”
“I am going to go to the mall to do some shopping for a friend’s birthday. I am glad you are focusing on your safety I am grateful for that.” said Willow. “I gotta to get going. If you need me call me on my cell.”
“Sounds good thank you so much for caring.” said Jasmine.
Jasmine hung up the phone. She decided to get on the computer. She turned on her favorite radio to top 40 hits. Then she turned off the radio. She decided to make a video. She got out her Native American flute and began to play a song she titled gratitude. She played from the heart and she was happy to play for Gideon in her heart. Her song started off slow and smooth and then it began to swell in volume and intensity. It was a beautiful piece and it was absolutely wonderful how the song enveloped the whole house. Just as she finished her song she was looking into the camera and then Midnight jumped into her lap. She laughed out loud and stroked the head of her cat while the camera continued to roll. “This is Midnight. My companion. She smiled into the camera. Thanks for listening.” Jasmine turned off the camera. She then uploaded the video onto YouTube.
Before she turned off the camera she received a message from Gideon. He said absolutely stunning. It sounded like you were playing just for me. He used a smiley emoticon. She was pleased to be so well received. She surfed the net for awhile and then she began to work on her polishing her writings. There was a short story she wanted to finish about the stories about her life. She also had some poetry in the mix. She edited them for the writer’s convention. She worked late into the night because she already had a nap. It was well past midnight she decided to turn into bed.
Jasmine changed her clothes and brushed her teeth and her hair. She rested in her bed and as she slept she was startled with a sudden noise outside her house. She sat upright and in total fear. She went to put on her slippers and began to investigate the sound. It sounded like it was outside her house in the backyard. She crept through the house as quietly as she could she began peering carefully out of the windows. She couldn’t see anything. She began to check the house when all of a sudden she heard the noise again. It sounded like garbage cans being knocked over. Jasmine turned on the back porch light just in time to see a huge raccoon running away from a knocked over garbage can. She sighed a big relief to know it wasn’t a human intruder it was just a hungry critter. Good thing the lid stayed on the can. She would take care of straightening out the garbage cans in the morning once her heart stopped racing. Jasmine was having a hard time calming down at first. The first thing she thought was that it was Ralph peering at her from the outside of the house.
Jasmine was afraid that it was going through a difficult time lately she realized. Ever since that email she was feeling hypervigiliant. She didn’t understand why she felt that way all her life but lately it seemed even worse. Breathing a sigh of relief, Jasmine was beginning to calm down. She went into the kitchen and began to make a cup of chamomile tea with honey and lemon. She heated the hot water on the stove and began to sip the tea very carefully. “Creator I am terrified of my ex. I have worked so hard to build this life for myself. This peacefulness. I fear my ex is going to ruin my happiness and my safety. I know you want me to continue to reach out to the world through my videos, but it creeps me out knowing that he is out there watching every video I produce. It annoys me that he decided to reach out to me. I feel very bad about that. It hurts my heart that I picked the man in the first place. I don’t know what he is going to do to me. I just don’t know what his next step is going to be. I struggle with it all the time. I need my life. I need my freedom and peace of mind and I don’t want to deal with his garbage any more. Please surround me with your love and protection. I need you very much and it’s important for me to see Gideon. I need to be able to live my life. I fought so hard for this. I need this freedom and love in my life. Thank you Jasmine.” said Jasmine out loud in the quiet house. Midnight must have been listening because he came up to her and held himself close to her rubbing her leg to be picked up. Jasmine gently picked up Midnight, “Thank you Midnight for listening to me. I appreciate it.” And began to stroke the back of her beloved feline.
Jasmine finally calmed down and she returned to bed that Friday night. She was tired from the excitement and she just wanted to finish the rest of the night peacefully. She finally rested and she calmed down and was happy to rest. She slept through the rest of the night calmly and slept in bed a little longer than usual to catch up on sleep. Jasmine was feeling much better by morning and she began to stretch her arms. She twisted in side of her covers to stretch out. Midnight was sleeping at the foot of her bed and was startled as Jasmine began to shift her legs from side to side.
After Jasmine began to shift around in bed she got up and made her self eggs and toasts. Sunny side up is how she liked her eggs. The smell of bacon started to fill the air as she filled the pan with a couple strips at the last minute. They sizzled under the heat catching Midnight’s attention causing him to twitch his tail in excitement. All of a sudden Jasmine heard a huge thud against the kitchen window which startled her she looked out and she noticed a bird had hit the window. Wow she said to herself she was really jumpy these days.
Laying out the plates Jasmine had herself a hearty breakfast after she calmed down from the bird hitting the window. Midnight was looking out the window for more birds. Finally, Jasmine cleared the table and cleaned up the table and the dishes. Jasmine had the whole day ahead of her. What was she going to do?
She decided to check to see if Gideon was on Skype and to joy he was. She called him for a video chat and to elation he answered.
“Good Morning Jasmine.” declared Gideon.
“Hi Gideon.” asked Jasmine.
“Are you excited about seeing each other next week?” asked Gideon.
“Yes I am. You know we have been only talking for a short time, but I already feel like you and I have been talking already.” stated Jasmine .
“I got your package. I have been saving to open it up on Skype so we can talk when I open it.” said Gideon.
“Great.” said Jasmine.
Gideon open up the tape on the box. He opened up the colorful card of the sunset and read the beautiful words left by Jasmine. “Thanks for the card Jasmine. You surely have a way with words.”
Gideon pulled out the sweet grass basket and smiled after he smelled the wonderful scent. “Lovely scent.” smiled Gideon. “I am planning to keep this by my bed so I can smell it while I sleep.”
Out pulled the turquoise belt buckle. Gideon turned it around in his hands. “Thank you Jasmine this is an amazing big piece of turquoise. I was told turquoise is a healing stone.”
Jasmine smiled surprised he knew something of her culture. “Why yes it is.”
Gideon finally picked up the delicate beaded medallion of the turtle. “Did you make this?” After he saw her initials on the back of the beaded piece.
“Yes I did. I made it during the summer.” said Jasmine.
“That’s amazing. You know what I am going to wear this at the East Coast Writer’s Convention next week. I am so looking forward to being in the same room with you. I have been watching your videos. I believe I saw everyone of them.” happily Gideon said.
“That’s great.” Secretly Jasmine was beaming inside.
“So you have everything set for seeing me next week?” asked Gideon.
“Yes I made all the arrangements. I am very happy at the prospect of seeing you. I want to spend a lot of time showing my writing at the convention. I signed up for some good workshops.” said Jasmine.
“I will go with you to the workshops you want to go to.” said Gideon.
“Great than we can spend a lot more time together.” said Jasmine. “But seriously I want to go to some of your workshops too. I am interested in hearing more about screenplays that you do.”
“Alright we can pick half of the workshops.” Gidon replied.
“Gideon, I have been on edge lately. My ex Ralph has been writing to me recently referencing my videos so he is definitely watching them and it’s creeping me out.” said Jasmine.
“Are you safe?” asked Gideon concerned.
“I have a safety plan my counselor Lisa and I developed. We worked on it together during my last session. I have let my neighbors know what’s been going on. Last night I got startled because I heard something out in the night and then discovered it’s raccoons. Then this morning I was startled again because a bird had hit the window. I have been feeling a little on edge, but I haven’t seen him.” said Jasmine.
“Make sure you keep your phone by you at all times. Follow your safety plan that Lisa outlined. I want to make sure you are safe. You don’t deserve this stress from your ex.” sternly Gideon said. “I wish I could be there right now and hold you. I am coming to the states next week and we can talk more about it when we get there. I.” Gideon paused. “I really care about you. I don’t want anything to happen to you.”
Jasmine was deeply touched by his show of emotion. “Thank you Gideon. Don’t worry I am not going to let my ex take away what I worked so hard to build. I am going to go see you next week and I am going to have a great time with you.”
Gideon and Jasmine talked about all the interesting things they want to do at the convention and some sight seeing places they wanted to go while in New York. They were like school kids laughing the whole time outling every detail. They were excited and they were having a great time and enjoying each others company. Jasmine decided to go, but she didn’t want to. She had an idea of spending the rest of the day with Willow. She wanted to share with Willow the good news of the plans that Gideon and her were building up. She was excited and she wanted to share her enthusiam with her dear friend. She was happy and she was feeling overjoyed finally she was going to meet the man she loved the most and had longed for the longest time.
Jasmine picked up the phone and dialed Willow. Ring. Ring. Ring. At first Jasmine thought she missed Willow, but finally her friendly voice answered the phone. “Hello Willow, it’s Jasmine.”
“Hi Jas how are you doing this morning?” asked Willow.
“It’s really strange last night a raccoon knocked over the garbage cans. This morning a bird flew into my window. I have been jumpy last night and this morning.” stated Jasmine.
“Well I am glad to hear it’s not Ralph bothering you again.” said Willow.
“Say, Willow what are you doing today?” asked Jasmine.
“I am open all day, what do you have in mind?” inquired Willow.
“I was thinking that you and I go out today. Say let’s go to the Door County today. We will make a road trip out of it. We can check out the art shops and have a nice lunch. Then we can head back. What you say?” asked Jasmine.
“You know that sounds like a good idea. I am looking for a good quilt my old one is getting all ratty.” said Willow excitedly.
“Great I will pick you up in about an hour.” said Jasmine.
“That sounds like a great idea.” said Willow.
Cool two good friends out for some adventures she was glad to have some time with Willow outside of work in a more relaxed atmosphere. She wanted to have a great time. Jasmine spent the hour cleaning the house, picking up garbage cans outside, and putting together some snacks for the road trip. The sky was very grey though she kinda wished it would be sunny. But at least it’s not rainy. A bit brisk though. Jasmine fed Midnight and wished him goodbye. She grabbed her car keys and headed in her car to Willow apartment.
Willow was already waiting outside with a red back pack and she was wearing a big smile on her face. Willow’s hair was pulled back with chunky whisps coming out from all sides. She was always the fashionable one compared to Jasmine who was more into comfort. Willow open the jeep door and climbed in throwing her back pack in the back seat.
“So are you excited to going to the East Coast Writer’s Convention next week.” asked Willow.
“Yeah I am. I am very nervous though. We only have been talking for a bit this past month, but you know this guy really gets me. We have this instant rapoire and we connect. I love the way he did a private reading for me. He said with such certainty that we had divine love for each other. That was absolutely dreamy.” said Jasmine whose head was stuck in the clouds.
Willow chuckled. “ You haven’t even met this guy face to face and you have already fallen in love with him. The wonders of technology she said.”
Jasmine laughed in kind. “If you told me someday that I would fall in love with a guy in another country just from his videos and talking on a webcam I would have thought you were nuts back in the eighties. However, that is indeed what is happening and you know it seems he is falling in love with me too. He talks with such earnest heartfelt words. He seems just as excited about meeting him as I do. You know he took the time to watch everyone of my videos. Me? He actually sat there and watched me for all that time. I can’t believe this guy is really into me, but he is and I am happy about that. No. I am ecstatic!” Jasmine laughed again. She was having a great time with Willow and they laughed at all the things of Gideons videos that Jasmine noticed. It was if she memorized everyone of his videos. She played several many times.
Willow giggled “ You are in love and your finally going to meet your man!”
Jasmine said “I thought you were totally against all this.”
Willow said “ Well the other day I started watching his videos and he does seem like a really nice guy. He sounds like he is interested in you. You both are meeting in a public place.”
Jasmine said “Yes I have my safety plan. I have already implemented it. I am nervous you know. Maybe he won’t like me in person. Maybe I get all nervous and clam all up. Or worse what if I start laughing nervously?
“You worry a lot. Just keep your phone with you at all times. I would prefer that I was there with you so we could meet the guy together.” said Willow.
“I wish you could with us too. However, I have a friend Michelle who lives in New York that I am planning to meet up with when I get there. Him and I used to go to Madison, WI he was in the creative writing program at the same time and he decided to get married to his high school sweet heart and go move and live out in New York city.” Jasmine said.
“That’s smart thinking Jasmine. I am relieved you have someone with you to go meet him.” said Willow.
Jasmine looked at the cranes passing over the sky. “It’s good to get out with you. I won’t be seeing you for several days and I am going to miss you.”
“I am going to miss you to Jasmine. Say, I am sorry about that whole Native American guy issues. You know I do want you to deep down to be happy and I want you to experience the joy you always deserve. You have had a rough life Jasmine and I don’t want you to be hurt.” earnestly expressed Willow.
“I am glad you said that cause I was afraid you would have rejected the idea of me going to see Gideon.” said Jasmine.
“Well at first I was concerned, but I know you were working with your counselor Lisa on safety and now you tell me you got Michelle meeting up with you and Gideon. So I feel better about the situation. Plus, it’s a public event.” said Willow.
“I have been thinking a lot about safety these days. It’s strange how technology brings people together, but yet people need to still take safety precautions. It’s very strange and yet necessary. I am trying to take care of myself I really am. If my father Edgar could see the kind of world I live in now. I wonder what he would say?” pondered Jasmine.
Jasmine and Willow drove the rest of the way in silence watching the scenes of nature whipping past them. They were contemplating Jasmine’s last question reflecting on their traditions listening to the music on the radio. Finally, they reached Door County and got out to stretch their legs. They stopped in several artsy galleries and stores interacting with the local people in the area. They were having a great time talking to all the people. Taking in the rich variety of colors and textures. They were having a great time and decided to finally get some lunch. They stopped by an artsy dig called “Cool Waters” and inside there were all these aquariums and water themed artwork on the walls. They laughed and enjoyed this one puff fish that was in one of the tanks near them. They each ordered a chef’s salads and had the house tea. It was a delicious flavor of different notes. They talked about how they wanted to spend the rest of the day. They paid their bill and then proceeded to go back into exploring the stores. They had a beautiful view of the lake at one point before stumbling upon a quaint quilt shop.
“Oh this is the kind of place I was hoping to find!” exclaimed Willow
“Let’s go take a look.” said Jasmine.
The place was wall to wall quilts it was absolutely amazing how many quilts were in this place. They covered the walls and they were stacked folded on the shelves of every color of the rainbow.
“What do you think of this one?” Willow declared holding up a maroon pallette quilt.
“That’s nice, but I was thinking blue would suit your bedroom décor better.” quisitively Jasmine posed.
So they walked over to the blue palette of quilts. To Jasmine surprise Willow pulled out the most gorgeous blue tones star quilt. “Wow! That is absolutely you!” said Jasmine.
“I know it’s perfect. Even the price is a bargain for this quality of work.” said Willow noting that this quilt was not machine made, but was all hand sewen. She was overjoyed and immediately purchased the quilt.
They went to the check out and then made their purchase. Then they decided to stay at a local bed and breakfast for the night to save themselves a long drive back. Before they checked in at the local bed and breakfast they checked out a few more artist’s galleries. There were quite a few people for the season. Door County has a wonderful reputation and it’s no surprised that they would be so popular even during the fall.
Finally, they were ready to turn in for the night and they went to Rosemary’s Bed and Breakfast that over looked Lake Michigan. Stunning views as they pulled in. They decided they were going to share a room. They receive a room with two queen beds. The décor was very homey and the recptionist was very warm and inviting. They got their room keys and brought up their bags into the room. They were very happy to have such a lovely place to stay. They were both exhausted and decided to turn in.
They each changed their clothes and brushed their teeth. They got into their beds and talked a little about the glorious day and a little about what they wanted to do tomorrow. Then each of them drifted to sleep.
Jasmine began to dream that she was in a dark forest. It was not a friendly or familiar place. She was moving quickly through the dark branches wearing a cobolt blue dress. She was breathing heaving rushing through disoriented but feeling in danger. As she looked back to see if anyone was pursuing her she ran into Ralph wearing a bright red. “Where do you think you’re going? You know I will always find you.”
Jasmine began to struggle and break free from his hold. “Get away from from me!” She pushed him hard and ran. Ralph pursued. Branches began cutting into her dress ripping it and cutting her face. She felt like she was being sliced by ribbons. She ran into the darkness just about when she was about to fall off a cliff and she was spinning her arms to get back on the edge. That’s when she sat up and started screaming. Willow abruptly woke up to Jasmine’s screams. She got out of her bed and went to Jasmine. “It’s okay Jasmine you are safe with me. It’s Ralph again isn’t it.”
“Yes.” gasped Jasmine.
“Look at me. He no longer has power over you. You fought hard for your life. You are free of him. Don’t give him the power not even in your dreams.” said Willow.
“It seems so real. I think the idea of seeing Gideon is stirring these fears of what if Gideon is like Ralph. I don’t get the feeling he is, but these irrational fears have been rising in me. I just can’t seem to shake it lately.” declared Jasmine.
“You have these fears too because of your father. They’re deeply ingrained, but you don’t have to be a prisoner to them anymore.” hugged Willow.
“I just want to shake these fears.” said Jasmine.
“You will. Everyday you are growing stronger. You have come so far since I have known you which is like 7 years. It’s beautiful the confidence that is unfolding before you didn’t have before. It’s going to be okay Jasmine.” said Willow.
“I am so glad you are here.” said Jasmine.
Willow rocked her in her arms and stroked her hair. Jasmine drastically calmed down and her breathing slowed. Finally, she was able to get back to sleep so Willow went back to her bed. There was a long silence but they both went to sleep til the sunshine in the morning.
Jasmine wakes up and goes to take a shower. She is feeling groggy from the last night. Then she gets dressed and goes out on her day with Willow. They continue to explore the scenary walking through a local state park and they climb a tower and see the land in great distance in many directions. The view is breath taking. They decide to go on a boat ride and they watch the beaches along side whizzing by and they are. After they had their fun they wanted to head out and ride on the way home.
“How you feeling Willow?” inquired Jasmine.
“I am doing pretty good I am happy about the quilt I bought yesterday and I enjoyed the day with you. I should be asking how you are doing?” asked Willow.
“You ever get that feeling that something is about to happen, but you don’t know what.” asked Jasmine.
“What do you mean?” inquired Willow.
“I have been told I am hypervigilant, but sometimes I get the feeling that something real is looming in the horizon. It’s hard to shake this feeling sometimes.” sadly said Jasmine.
“You are taking precautions, trust yourself though.” said Willow.
“That’s the thing I don’t always trust myself, like my judgment in men.” said Jasmine.
“You have to start somewhere” said Willow. “I don’t talk about this much, but I had gotten into a domestically violent relationship with a guy named Ryan. It was a brief relationship, but he pushed me into a wall and threatened me by punching the wall beside my head. I used to go to the women’s center for counseling too. I do understand what you mean by not trusting yourself. I was there at one point, but I overcame that fear. I learned that I am all I can really count on and I began to see that it was important to develop self relatiance and trust again in me. It didn’t come over night no. But it did develop. I think I am much better in my life now than I have ever before because I healed that part of my life and I strongly believe that you can too.”
“I didn’t know that about you Willow. What happened to Ryan?” asked Jasmine.
“He was wanted in another state for various crimes. He got caught and he ended up going to prison.” said Willow.
“That sounds like a scary man.” said Jasmine.
“He was, but authorities took care of him.” said Willow.
“Ralph never paid for what he did to me.” said Jasmine.
“I believe in divine justice.” said Willow.
“I hope so.” said Jasmine.
They listened to the music the rest of the way each deep in their own thoughts. Jasmine pondered Willow’s revelation and turned around in her mind the concept of divine justice. She remembered her father in her dream and wondered what kind of divine justice he received when he crossed over. He was very violent and mean, but in her dream he seemed remorseful for his actions and wanting to sincerely connect with her.
They arrived Sunday evening in Madison again. Jasmine dropped Willow off and thanked her for everything that she did for her doing the weekend. She loved her company and her healing ways. She was grateful for having her in her life. They hugged before Willow got out of the car and carried her bag up to her apartment.
Jasmine then drove home. The house looked okay and she brought her bag in and began unpacking and she was tired. She went in and went to her computer. She checked her email and she received a noticed that Gideon had completed another video and posted it on YouTube. She went and viewed it right away.
“Hello Jasmine and everybody. I wanted to show the wonderful gifts that I received from my friend Jasmine her channel is in the dooblydoo.” Jasmine watched as Gideon proudly displayed each and every item that she had packaged for him. She smiled when she saw Gideon put on the beaded necklace around his neck. She had a great time explaining to everybody about how Jasmine was a wonderful bead worker that she spent all summer putting everything together for this medallion. She was so grateful and she was very happy to see him.
Then Gideon decided to do a reading for everybody. He went through his deck and he pulled the Melchizedek angel card. Gideon went on to say that Melchizedek is also known as a Divine Mediator. Gideon said that this special angel brings peace and is a master of healing and can bring harmony when a situation has turned disturbing. Gideon went on to say that “Whenever you find yourself in a difficult situation with someone this angel can help you resolve the issues and smooth out the difficult. It’s especially helpful when there is friction between people. Trust the Creator has guided this angel to you for a reason, that with his help that you will receive the harmony that you are seeking in your situation. Trust the Creator is in charge.”
Jasmine really liked his reading. It hit well. She needed to trust that no matter what that Creator was in control and that she would be able to face any situation. With that sense of newfound soothing peace that Gideon inspired Jasmine liked the video and went to bed. She went to sleep in her bed. Midnight came and slept on her chest purring softly as he slept. Jasmine rested deeply and when the dawn arrived she felt refreshed. She went to the bathroom to take a shower and to get ready for her day. She wanted to stop at the post office before she got ready to take her flight for 2 pm that afternoon for New York. She went to her post office box and there was a single envelope in her package. She opened the envelope and noticed they were pictures…of her. One was a picture of her when she went to walking with the white cat that befriended. Another was a picture of her coming out of the Women’s Studies library. Another picture was her standing outside her house. Picture after picture was taken of her. She felt very panicked at that moment. She immediately went to the women’s center and went to talk to Lisa.
Lisa viewed the pictures and was concerned to get Jasmine to the police to report this. They together went to the police station and Jasmine showed the officer the pictures and explained her story about Ralph. Lisa supported Jasmine as she told her story to the police officer. The officer was kind and began to fill out a report and concerns, but indicated they couldn’t do much at this point because they don’t know who took the pictures. Officer MacArthur went over some safety tips she could follow. Jasmine explained that that she was going out of town that she was going to be meeting up a friend Michelle and Gideon at the writer’s convention. He advised for awhile to stick with her friend Michelle. Jasmine started to cry she didn’t know what to do. She thought maybe she should cancel the trip and go some place like her reservation. Lisa said to remember her safety plan and keep going forward with her life and go to New York. Jasmine shook her head in agreement and hugged and thanked Lisa for coming to her aide when she needed it. She was glad she could be supported so much.
Jasmine for the rest of the day was fearing she was being watched. She looked extra careful about her surroundings and she was concerned about her picture being taken. She felt fearful, but she was relieved that she was going to be going out of town and that she was going to be getting away from eveything for awhile. She went home and picked up her luggage all awhile looking carefully out her window. She already let her neighbors know she was going out of town. And she had she to installed one of those automatic security lights to turn on at different intervals while she was gone. She got everything together and went out the door. She went to the airport and she was a bit early so she took the time to call Willow and let her know what was happening, but instead a got her machine so Jasmine left a message explaining what is happening in her life and she was having a hard time getting through everything. She was just wanting to crumble inside, but she wanted to be strong. She needed to live her life she hated living in fear.
It was time to board the plane. She got on and she was eager to put on her Ipod and listen to her music to drown her thoughts and fears out. She finally started to mellow out and she fell asleep on the flight from Madison to New York City. Her neighbor was an elderly lady and she was comforting and she seemed to smile when Jasmine finally woke up as they arrived to New York. Jasmine didn’t realize that she was so tired.
Jasmine exited the plane after telling her airplane neighbor goodbye. She went to the luggage carousel to pick up her luggage and walked past the airport stores. She went into a small shop and purchased an art magazine. Jasmine then kept walking and finally ran into Michelle.
“Jasmine you are looking so good.” exclaimed Michele.
“I am so glad to get out of Madison for awhile.” sighed Jasmine. Jasmine went onto explain her recent fears and the suspicious photographs of someone who is following her. She talked about Lisa and the police who made a report, but basically said he couldn’t do anything at this point because they had nothing to go on.
“Oh honey are you okay?” asked Michele who has striking blue eyes like the sea and deep raven hair.
“I will survive. I am starving let’s get some lunch before we go to our room.” said Jasmine.
So they loaded the luggage in Michele’s car and they proceeded to go to a New York deli to get some Reuben sandwiches. The sky was cloudy but sunlight would peak through the sky. They sat down in the back in the moderately busy store.
“So how is your husband Bob?” asked Jasmine.
“He is doing great he just made partner at the law firm. He also has been taking me out on special dates each week and we’re getting closer than ever before.” gushed Michele.
“That’s wonderful I am so happy that you have made it to your five year anniversary too. That’s absolutely great!” exclaimed Jasmine.
“Thanks Jasmine. Just wait. Soon you are going to run into to your prince.” giggled Michele.
“It’s just our first meeting. I don’t even know what we’re going to do after this meeting. Say we hit it off how can we continue this long distance relationship? I am not sure where this is going to happen?” expressed Jasmine.
“Jasmine you worry too much. Just relax and take things as they come. It’s going to be okay. I am going to be with you and you are going to finally get to talk to this guy you have been crushing over a year.” laughed Michele.
“I can’t believe I have been following this guy for so long and now I am going to be actually meeting him. It’s really finally happening. Wow!” wondered Jasmine out loud.
“Just go with the flow everything will be great.” said Michele.
Jasmine and Michele finished up their lunch and they decided to go check in the hotel. They got back into Michele’s car and they discussed all the groups they were going to see that day. And they went over the schedule. They drove through the city and Jasmine looked out the window as all the buildings went by. They even drove through past Time Square. Finally they went to the Sensora hotel. The doorman greeted them at the door holding it for them. He seemed very friendly. Jasmine and Michele checked in and received their key cards. They walked to the elevator and they were able to get the luggage in and ride up to the third floor and they walked down the hallway and they reached their hotel room 333. Just about when they were going to open the door out opened the door for 334 out came Gideon with his black hair and brown eyes in excited when he noticed it was indeed Jasmine standing before him.
“You are finally here!” declared Gideon.
“Yes, I am. It’s good to finally see you!” exclaimed Jasmine.
They each reached for each other for the first time to hug each other. They hugged for a long time as Gideon placed his hand on Jasmine’s hair. Michele smiled watching as they connected. Gideon pulled back and looked into Jasmine’s eyes and said “It’s so good to see you finally face to face.”
“I know what you mean. I am amazed it’s really happening.” said Jasmine.
Gideon shook Michele’s hand and said “Thank you for taking the time to come with Jasmine to meet me. Oh I got something for you.” said Gideon.
Gideon ducked back into to his room and he pulled out a vase with pink and red roses and beautiful mix of Jasmine’s favorite roses. “How did you know they’re both my favorite.” asked Jasmine.
“You mentioned them in one of your videos.” said Gideon.
“Well give us a chance to unpack and we will get together to do something?” said Michele.
“Good plan. Just give us a second.” said Jasmine.
So Michele and Jasmine carrying in the bouquet and then went back out to get her luggage looked up and smiled at Gideon who was still standing their watching her. Jasmine smiled back and hauled her luggage in the hotel room.
In soft voices Jasmine and Michele discussed Gideon. “He’s real cute.” whispered Michele.
“I know isn’t he. I am really attracted to him.” said Jasmine.
“I really think you two are going to have a lot of fun today.” said Michele.
“I think so too. I even have my writing samples all prepared and ready to go.” said Jasmine as she picked up her burgundy carry case.
“Let’s not keep the gentleman waiting.” said Michele.
So they both exited their hotel room with all their luggage unpacked. And they were ready to head to the East Coast Writer’s Convention.
Gideon was waiting outside his door and he seemed ready to go to. Jasmine said “Thank you so much for the lovely bouquet of flowers they are really beautiful and they just brighten the hotel room so much.”
“You are are most welcome Jasmine. Let’s go have a great day together.” said Gideon.
They all went down to the connecting section towards the conference and they were all impressed with the African décor. Stores were in the shape of huts and there everything was decorated in magical lights. It was very glorious to see all the African animals lining the place. Then there in the background was the African music of men and women chanting to the sound of African drums very upbeat. Gideon smiled and so did Jasmine and Michele. Everything looked so beautiful. They decided to look around the shops of various clothes and they walked past the hut filled with delicious desserts. They were very entranced by the smell of chocolate. Gideon purchased an apple cider pie. Jasmine got Tiramisu the Italian cake while Michele got an eclair. They sat down at a black iron table and large black chairs and they started to get to know each other better.
“Michele and I met while we were both students at UW-Madison. I am glad she could come to the meeting for both of us.” said Jasmine.
“I would do anything for you Jasmine.” said Michele
“It’s great to have friends like that.” said Gideon.
Gideon went on to share about who special and wonderful he found Jasmine and he began to cite different videos that moved him and he was grateful for that. Jasmine was very grateful “Thanks Gideon.” Michele gave Jasmine that look that she knew that both of them were attracted to each other. She kinda felt like a third wheel and wanted to give them some alone time.
They finished their dessert and they proceeded down a very long hallway to the conference center. They commented on the African artwork and various masks and animals along the way. They finally turned the corner and they reached the conference center. They all went to the registration desk. They all received their registration packets and their name badges. Gideon brought out his video camera and began to film Jasmine at the conference. He explained that he wanted to put some of the footage up on his YouTube channel. She was very embarrassed to be the subject of his next video, but she did realize that he was really into his videos. Gideon took some pictures of Jasmine by this beautiful African sunset that was decorated in animal print cloth. Michele declined about being in the video. That she was just there for the conference and for morale support. Gideon respected her wishes. So Jasmine ended be the focus of his video. They ended up going to the exhibition booths first. Gideon followed Jasmine as she walked through each booth and made small talk with the exhibitors. Gideon was entranced by Jasmine, by the way she moved through a crowd how she easily talked with strangers. He felt himself falling for Jasmine. Things were just online before, but Jasmine was real and tangible before him. He kinda wished he could have taken her some place more romantic where just the two of them could be alone for their first meeting, but he understood Jasmine’s need for safety and the need for a public venue with her friend Michele along for the ride. He wanted to do something special and he hoped that tonight’s dinner would be the perfect opportunity for him to reach out to her.
As if Jasmine could hear Gideon’s thoughts she looked up at me and stared intently at him and into the camera. She gave Gideon a big smile. Jasmine felt that she was living a dream. She finally met the guy she was longing for so long. He hugged her. He gave her roses it was real and she didn’t know what to do about that. She was filled with butterflies…trying hard not to show how nervous she was she was trying to act calm, cool, and collected. But she was very attracted to Gideon even more now than before that he would come all this way and arrange with her to see her she felt touched by his thoughtfulness.
Gideon caught the twinkle in Jasmine’s eye and they smiled at each other again, Gideon from behind his camera. He got done with filming his clip. Showed Jasmine his camera up close. Gideon showed her how to use the camera and he wrapped his arm around Jasmine and began to film them both together. Jasmine’s heart skipped a beat and she liked that an image of them together might go into his video. Gideon then handed the camera to Jasmine and instructed her how to work the camera. Then Jasmine was filming Gideon at the conference holding up his conference bag and waving at the camera. Michele offered to film them together which Gideon thought would be a great idea. So, Gideon handed his camera to Michele who began to follow them together filming them as they learned to interact with each other and explored the conference. Gideon reached for Jasmine’s hand and they began to hold hands as they walked down the many aisles with Michele following filming the whole exchange between them.
Michele smiled to herself to finally see Jasmine with the guy she gushed about so many times to her on the phone. Michele had seen a couple of videos that Gideon had produced thanks to Jasmine’s enthusiasm sharing with her how great this guy is she found on YouTube. She had to see herself. Sure enough she was impressed with Gideon as well a very sweet soul who was deeply spiritual and creative. She liked the idea that Jasmine was hooking up with this guy instead of that Ralph guy. She couldn’t stand that Ralph guy he was so….fake. He said things you wanted to hear. Michele saw right through and all the red flags and tried to warn Jasmine, but she didn’t want to hear anything of it. She was feeling that Jasmine so desperately wanted to love that she had problems seeing the warning signs in Ralph. Michele didn’t get any warning flags with Gideon thank God, though she thought that he was a bit hesitant to really express himself with Jasmine. He seemed a bit shy in person, but so far was making all the right moves.
Jasmine started laughing and talking with Gideon as they went through the rows. Gideon led her to the LakeWater Publishers. “Here I want you to meet a friend of mine. Her name is Laura Pendragon.” Gideon led Jasmine over to the table. Michele the whole time was following behind them. Jasmine smiled at Laura.
“Hello Laura I want you to meet an up and coming writer Jasmine White Horse.” said Gideon.
“ Hello.” said Jasmine.
“Hi” said Laura. “So you’re the Jasmine that Gideon has been talking so highly about?”
Jasmine was surprised to hear that Gideon had been talking up Jasmine to Laura this whole time.
“Gideon has been showing some samples of your work. So, far I am impressed. I am working on a book of Native American storytellers and I think some of your writing would fit quite nicely with the book.” said Laura. “Do you have more work to share with me?”
“Yes, I am very happy to hear you connected with Gideon about my work. I actually brought some finished pieces with me.” Jasmine began going through her bag and pulling out a manila folder of her work. She handed it over to Laura .
“Thanks I will be sure to read these and get back to you. You have such a rich and beautiful culture so many people would love to hear your stories.” said Laura.
Jasmine beamed. “Why thank you for the opportunity.” Laura and Jasmine exchanged business cards and they shook hands.
Michele captured the whole exchange with the camera. Time was to go to the keynote speaker. Greg Fisher was the keynote feature “Writers and the Craft.” Gideon, Jasmine, and Michele sat down in the middle rows. Michele was panning the room when her camera captured some guy in the corner staring intently in their direction. Michele didn’t think anything much about it and she turned off the camera and paid attention to the speaker.
Greg was a very powerful motivational speaker. He spoke about the story of the power of writer’s as an industry and career. He talked about new opportunities the Internet opened for writer’s and he was very impressed with the way people were finding new niches to express themselves. He instructed about ways to learn for new opportunities on the internet, but he did it in a funny and creative way. Finally, everybody was applauding after they looked at a series of comedic slides that he doodled that he shared with the audience.
“He was very good.” said Jasmine.
“He used to date a friend of mine he would wow her too when they talked.” said Gideon.
“I am going to take a break I will be right back.” said Michele.
Gideon perked up. “I am finally going to get to be alone with you. Let’s meet in by the registration desk in a thirty minutes.”
Jasmine liked the idea. Michele went to take off, but before handed the video camera to Gideon.
Gideon and Jasmine left the conference room and went to find a quiet corner to sit down and talk a little bit.
“So am I everything you hoped for?” kidded Gideon.
“It’s more than I could imagine.” said Jasmine. “I used to play in my mind how our first meeting would go. I imagined meeting you in London or you coming to Madison and I picked favorite spots we could hang out together and talk and be together. But this is not something I ever imagined and yet it’s better than I ever could imagine. I am just so glad to be here. It’s a dream come true.”
Gideon bent his head and smirked. “You are pretty amazing on YouTube, but you are absolutely stunning in person. I can’t believe you have been on YouTube all this past year and I didn’t know anything about you. And this past month all I could keep thinking is that I have to meet this special lady. And lo and behold here I am and with you. And Michele. She is so sweet to tag along with us. Are you feeling safe around me?”
“Yes, I actually feel pretty safe with you.” said Jasmine. But then Jasmine started talking about how someone was following her and about the pictures and the police station and Gideon grown very concerned.
“So it isn’t just hypervigilence there is someone actually bothering you. I am glad you were able to report it. You are safe with me Jasmine, I won’t hurt you and I won’t allow anyone to hurt you.” said Gideon.
They talked a little bit more about conference stuff and noticed it was time to meet up with Michele. They walked over to the registration table and there was Michele she looked apphrensive. She said there was this balding guy in a white shirt and blue slacks that ran into her and he gave her the creeps. She mentioned seeing him earlier, but didn’t think anything of it. Michele felt that things were going to be okay though because she talked to a security guy about him. He reassured that this was a public place and that nothing would happen with all the security there to know they were on the watch.
Jasmine thought to herself balding guy? That wasn’t Ralph who had long black hair. She wondered about the guy for a moment, but pushed him out of her head. Must be some random stranger. They went to the next workshop on Screenplays something Gideon was passionate about. Jasmine didn’t know too much about screenplays since she had never written one let alone seen one before. However, this is what Gideon does for a living and he was interesting to watch. He was very attentive to this workshop and took a lot of notes. Jasmine tried her best to follow along and Michele actually written a screenplay herself so she was very interested in this topic as well.
The workshop ended and it was time for dinner. They entered an elegant dining room and they sat down at a table. The waiter came by and laid out a iced teas for everyone at the table after he carried a huge tray of beverages on his shoulder.
“I am so looking forward to the dance tonight. I hope they have a great dj.” said Jasmine.
“I hear the DJ is from Phillie and has a great reputation.” said Gideon.
“It’s been awhile since Bob and I went dancing it’s going to be a good time.” said Michele.
They were then served a salad. Gideon was trying to spear a tomato and some lettuce and he began talking with his fork and accidentally flung a piece of lettuce at Jasmine. Jasmine laughed and so did Michele. Gideon was clearly embarrassed and apologized profusely. Jasmine was cool with it though. She loved seeing this nervous side of Gideon. It made him much more real and she enjoyed that just spending time with them. They laughed and talked over a salad and then they were served vegetarian lasagna which was kinda gross and consisted of some sort of unfamiliar cheese. It looked like mozzarella, but it really didn’t taste like it and it was very greasiness. They were laughed at the dinner they were served and each of them picked at it. They ate a little, but they decided to get up and go grab a burger for the dance. They first stopped off at their rooms and changed into party clothes. Jasmine was wearing a stunning reflective silver dress and Michele wore a red number. Gideon put on a nice silk blue dress shirt wearing Jasmine belt buckle. He looked quite dashing.
They stopped off at a local burger joint up the block and laughed about the night they were having. They ate fries and had milkshakes. Gideon spilled some of his milkshake on himself. He seems to fumble quite a bit when he is nervous. Jasmine thought he was cute when he did that. Michele smirked it was very funny actually she thought to herself. Jasmine giggled nervously as she took her napkin and cleaned up the spot on his shirt. Gideon took Jasmine’s hand and kissed her hand in kind. Michele thought that was very sweet these two she felt like she was intruding on their privacy so she briefly excused herself from the table to go to the bathroom. Gideon stared into Jasmine’s brown eyes and thought they were so warm and loving. Jasmine stared back in an eye lock to each other. It was a sweet tender moment. They have been having sweet moments here and there. Jasmine wondered where they were going to go next after the conference, but caught herself time traveling again and tried to focus on the moment of just being with Gideon. She was in love with Gideon there was no doubt about that and Gideon was in love with Jasmine. The chemistry between the two of them was just wonderful.
Michele came back and said “Are you guys ready to get it on tonight?” she was actually excited about dancing since Bob wasn’t much into dancing it was rare she got the opportunity to go. She asked for the video camera from Gideon to film the two of them dancing.
“I am so ready.” declared Jasmine.
“Let’s go.” said Gideon. So they set down their napkins and returned to the ball room of the conference where the DJ was all set up. The songs were already going with a wonderful light show. The music was loud just the way Jasmine liked it. The lights reflected off of Jasmine’s silver dress. Gideon took one look of Jasmine moving to the music and he was ready to have a wonderful night with Jasmine finally. He was able to be with her after watching her videos before because he was too shy to reach out to her. He was too shy to admit he knew about Jasmine for a long time. He was totally into her months ago, but finally Jasmine made the first move. He laughed to himself he could have been with her for all this time but finally he got the chance to be with her. Just then the song “I had the time.” by the Black Eyed Peas came on the speakers. Gideon really liked the movie dirty dancing and he had seen it a couple of times, but this new version by the Black Eyed Peas was really good.
The three of them got out in the middle of the dance floor. Jasmine threw her arms above her head and began to dance in step with the music and very close to Gideon. Michele swayed to the music alongside them. Gideon wanted to touch Jasmine but he didn’t know where to put his hands. He finally decided to place his hands on her hips and they danced together. There was one great song after another. They were all cheering in the audience. People all around them a whole bunch of creative writers from all around the world were celebrating and having a great time and partying. They were cutting loose and acting carefree and they just celebrated the event. Jasmine thought to herself this must be the best part of the conference so far staring close into Gideon’s eyes and him staring back. Gideon can really dance said Jasmine to herself. She was pleased because Jasmine totally loved to dance. Michele capturing every moment with the camera.
Michele thought that Jasmine and Gideon both looked like a great couple. She kinda wished Bob was with her. She looked up and at first thought she saw that balding guy in the white shirt in the corner of the room. But when she looked again he was again. She thought she was seeing things and just being paranoid so she just let it go. They danced the night away til way past midnight. Finally, the crowd thinned out and many people began to return to their rooms so they left the ball room with the sparking crystal chandlers behind. The three of them finally walked back down the hallway and through the lobby and back to their rooms. Michele entered the room first. Gideon held Jasmine’s hand. “I had an amazing time with you. I never want to forget tonight.” said Gideon.
“I had a blast with you. I love dancing with you. You never told me you were such a great dancer.” said Jasmine.
Gideon looked embarrassed. “Thanks.” Gideon looked at Jasmine. He took one hand and stroked the hair across her face. He said to her til tomorrow. Gideon then leaned in and kissed Jasmine on the lips in the hallway. Jasmine placed her hand alongside Gideon’s face. It was a sweet tender kissed that sent Jasmine’s heart racing. She was very elated when Gideon pulled back and he looked at her pleased face. He waved goodbye to her as she entered her room and he then entered his room.
Jasmine couldn’t believe the night she had with Gideon. She laid back on her bed on the pillow and just stared at the ceiling with a big smile on her face. Michele giggled looking at the blissful look on Jasmine’s face.
“You two are such a cute couple.” snickered Michele.
“This was the most unbelievable night!” exclaimed Jasmine rolling on her side looking at Michele.
“You were having a great time!” smiled Michele.
“Tomorrow night is the waterpark after the conference that should be a lot of fun. That is so great.” said Jasmine.
“I brought my blue swimsuit.” said Michele pulling her one piece suit out of the drawer.
“I brought my pink two piece. You think Gideon will like it?” Jasmine asked holding it against her body.
“Honey Gideon would love you even if you were wearing a paper bag.” laughed Michele.
Jasmine laughed with Michele.
They changed out of their party dresses and began to get ready for the sleep because breakfast comes early at 8 am. They finally settled down and they had a great time relaxing and they had a hard time. Each getting ready in the bathroom taking turns.
Finally, it was time to crawl into bed to go into sleep. “Michele?”
“Yeah Jasmine?” asked Michele.
“I am having a great time with Gideon, I don’t know what I am going to do when he goes back to London.” said Jasmine.
“Just enjoy what you have now and see what happens.” said Michele. “He is a great guy.”
“He really is.” sighed Jasmine.
Jasmine sunk into a blissful sleep.
The morning sunlight rays warmly greeted Jasmine. Michele was already up making coffee. Jasmine got up and turned on the radio. She got into the shower and took a long time under the hot water. She wanted to savor the wonderful feeling she was experiencing. She was very happy. Everything was going the way she hoped for and things seemed to be going her way. It was the second day of the conference. Already she had made a connection with Laura and her writing. She had an exciting time with a gorgeous guy who is a fabulous dancer. She was truly blessed.
She was definitely looking forward to the waterpark tonight and she was having a fun time. She never wanted it to end. She decided to put on her blue pants suit and wear her turquoise and silver jewelry. She pulled her hair back and put on a turquoise barrette and sprayed on some floral cologne. She put some make up on. She decided to go downstairs early.
As she was walking around the convention area she ran into Joe from Milwaukee. “Wow funny seeing you here.”
“Yes it’s good seeing you.” excuse me Joe hurried off.
Just then Michele and Gideon showed up. “You know the strangest thing I ran into Joe a guy who I had met from Milwaukee when I went on a long drive out there. I could have introduced you but he had to abruptly leave. Maybe we will run into him again.”
The three of them decided to stand in line and began to get the food to eggs and bagels with cream cheese plus orange juice. They went over the schedule for the day. There was another speaker and two workshops and they were all going to take off and go to the water park. They talked about all the things they were going to do that day. They couldn’t decide which workshop to go to next. One was about editors. The other was about publishing poetry. Jasmine broke the tie and chose to the workshop on publishing poetry. They leisurely ate their breakfast when the speaker came up to the podium.
He was a very extravagant speaker using rich colorful words. He was also extravagant in using grand gestures when he talked. He shared with the audience a short video that he had put together for the audience. That there are all these threats to publishing industry and competition is very fierce. It was a kinda grim start of the video, but then it turned very inspirational showing lots of scenes of nature and people reading books on kindle and on the internet. Basically the message is that there were new methods of publishing as the market grew and changed and that we had to basically grow and adapt to it.

Buffy Frame Park

White Turtle Rainbow is the name I embraced after I had a vision of a White Turtle escaping darkness flying with rainbows.  I was adopted and it wasn’t til I was 23 that I discovered I am actually Scottish and Ojibwe Indian. I am interested in learning more about the Celtic ways especially Scottish. I feel the great need to connect with the missing pieces of my life. I have been spending the last year studying it in the form of Scottish and Celtic spirituality. I ask the Great Creator, Goddess, Universe, Guardians, and my Ancestors to please help guide my steps.

Ironically, when I was growing up I would despise how adopted parents would lie about the truth about their heritage of their adopted children way before I even realized I was adopted. I hate the lies being told I have a certain set of parents when I don’t and being told I am a certain racial and Native American tribal heritage when in reality I am actually something completely different. All this time I studied the adopted family’s genealogy and it really had nothing to do with me at all. I have felt great bitterness over this precious lost of time and blatant lies. I realized why I never fit in that adopted family because I was never part of it to begin with. So chasing after their ancestors did give me skills to do discover the genealogy skills, but I have all this language and genealogy of people that are not mine.

Ironically though, I believed in the Ojibwe prophecy of the Seven Generations to look back at the last seven generations to better able to discover how better to help the next Seven Generations. What I learned was how damaging those lies were to me. Ironically, before I even knew I was Ojibwe I received an Ojibwe name and I studied and followed Ojibwe prophecy. Part of me seemed to know unconsciously.

Wenona Native American flute

If you are Scottish or Ojibwe I am hoping to connect with you to find my place in this world. My Celtic name is Gealach Carthanas which means Charity Moon.  My name is also Wabun Anung and it means Morning Star in Ojibwe. I hope to become aligned with my proper tribes and my proper circle of family.

Chi Miigwetch (Thank you very much in Ojibwe)

Wenona Gardner

Lil Buffy

I love Games! I have loved games since Atari came out. My favorite Saturday morning cartoon is Dungeons and Dragons.   I loved games so much that I wrote a business plan for Thunder Chaser Games to live my dream to selling games while I was a Senior in Business at Alverno College. I became a Meetup Organizer of 66 role playing  gamers in Waukesha Gaming Group. Today, I write for and work with White Turtle Rainbow Gaming with my husband. I value quality time, play, and fun even today whether it’s role playing games or video games.

When I met Polaris I fell in love with gaming world even deeper. His passion for games reignited my passion for gaming. I was excited about the chance to re-experience my childhood again. I feel like I am tasting the fountain of youth as people often look at me and think I am much younger than I am. I am laughing and having a good time. I played Pokémon Shuffle on 3DS and played Persona Q and played Never Alone with Polaris.

Right now, I am fumbling through a video game on my phone my husband installed with an emulator to play Legend of Zelda with the Maskwalker. I got my tickets for Anime Nebraskon and excited to see this popular convention. I refocused my life instead of a serious spiritual path I have embraced the joy of play. I feel like my inner Buffy is coming back and I am being reborn into the happy go lucky person I was meant to be.

Maskwalker: The Legend of Zelda, Chapter 1.

WENONA ORACLE CARD READER

I had the privilege to go to this amazing Convention in 2014 which is when I had the very first taste of this convention. Anime NebrasKon is a Japanese Animation and pop culture convention that is being held at the Ramada Plaza at 72nd and Grover in Omaha, Nebraska. I had a fabulous time during the block parties. I stayed at the Comfort Inn & Suites across the street which has a fabulous breakfast of sausage, eggs and orange juice. I also spent many times eating French Silk pie at the former Perkins. The Perkins server was in tune with me and kept filling my soda up precisely when I needed her since I am a fast soda drinker. They recently closed down that Perkins where everybody went for Meetups and other things going on. It is also the same time that the National Novel Writing Month was going on known as NaNoWriMo which is the entire month of November where they goal is to write 50,000 words in one month. NaNoWriMo also had a Meetup at Perkins as well the same weekend. Last year I hosted an Artist’s Way Circle Meetup at the Burger King which was totally packed before and without Perkins is going to be slammed even more.

I made the misfortune of starting Graduate School the same weekend as last year’s convention so I spent the weekend studying. I was supposed to go to my first dance and missed the rave because they had a rule you couldn’t bring in your purse. But in the essence I did got to dance. I had the chance to hang out the fabulous DDR section of the convention where my husband Brandon and I danced to a remix of #Selfie! That is the kind of dance I will always cherish we danced as partners. I cosplayed as Charity Moon the Witch with purple hair and a purple witch’s hat. We missed the wedding that hosted last year, but we both went to the Disney and MLP block parties where I kicked but playing Dream Cast dueling games.

This is my second time going to Anime NebrasKon but I really want to get involved with the convention even more than last year. I wrote to the volunteer coordinator Emily Rose to inquire about volunteer opportunities.

Chi Miigwetch (Thank you very much in Ojibwe)

Wenona Gardner

White Turtle Rainbow

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